===+2oo5+===

I have realized that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…

I have realized that I am a schmuck…

I have realized that I do not know everything…

I have realized that with each passing moment, I have a chance to turn everything around and start over with a clean slate…

I have realized that nothing is what it seems…

I have realized that I am not a great musician…

I have realized that God loved me before and loves me still…

I have realized that true love can be found by anyone if they look hard enough…

I have realized that all things come to those who wait…

I have realized that my friends are always concerned for me…

I have realized that nothing I do on this earth will not make a difference…

I have realized that I have to study more and talk less…

I have realized that my soul can never be greatened by my desire…

I have realized that my life is not wasted, it will only account to such if I wish it to…

I have realized that I am so blessed with my family, my friends, and all those who have, I their own small way, touched my life and made my outlook on my existence better…

I have realized that I’ve had the best teachers…

I have realized that though death is imminent, the here and now weighs more in value…

I have realized that I should be happier…

And with these realizations I know one thing…

That by coming clean and admitting my shortcomings, by analyzing what I have and what I want in life, I will able to make my life and maybe even the lives of those around me better…

I thank God for giving me another year to turn everything around…

There will be no promises made…

There will be no resolutions written…

There will only be confessions…realizations…and penance…

+++

welcome the year 2005…

i hope to God that this one, i’ll survive…

about high school...

Somewhere between the procrastination
And the homeworks
And the incessant forwards
And the friendships
And the nasty cafeteria food
And the calls to each other complaining about crushes
Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends
And the I miss you's
And the I love you's
And the "what are we doing tonight's"
And somewhere between all of the changing & growing..
Somewhere between the classes
And the sleeping between classes
And the studying for tests
And the pretending to study for tests
And the downright not studying for tests...
I forgot.
I forgot what high school is all about.
I forgot what it meant to cry...

I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
And that pretending to be smart doesn't make
you smart.
I forgot that you can't just forget the past
in fear of the future.
I forgot that you can't control falling in
love
And that you can't make yourself fall in
love.
I learned that I can love.
I learned that it's okay to mess up
And it's okay to ask for help..
And it's okay to feel like crap.
I learned its okay to complain and whine to
all your friends for a
whole day.
I learned that sometimes the things you want
most you just can't
have.
I learned that the greatest thing about high
school isnt the parties
or the drinking or the hook-ups...
It's the friendships which means taking
chances.
I learned that sometimes the things we want
to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.
I learned that letters from friends are the
most important thing
And that sending cards to your friends makes
you feel better.
But, basically, I just learned that my
friends.
Both old and new,
Are the most important people to me in the
world
And without them, I wouldn't be who I am
today
So this is a thank you to all of my friends
For always being there and I love you.

+++

someone wrote this...someone sent this to me a long time ago...i just thought it could use a bigger audience because of the beauty of its words and meaning that it holds for each every person who went to high school...

+++

**damn, still awake...can't sleep... :< **

tell me all your thoughts on God

Must have been mid-afternoon
I could tell by how far the child's shadow is stretched out and
He walks with a purpose
In his sneakers
Down the street he had
Many questions like children often do...
He said

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
And tell me am I very far?"

Must have been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks in the street
And ask many questions like children often do...
We said

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'd really like to meet him
And ask her why we're who we are?
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'm on my way to see him
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now?"

It's getting cold
Picked up the pace
How our shoes make hard noises in this place
Our clothes are stained
We pass many cross-eyed people
And ask many questions like children often do...

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'd really like to meet him
And ask her why we're who we are?
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'm on my way to see him
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now, am I very far now, am I very far now?"

Tell me all your thoughts of God...

+++

dishwalla creates such great music...

+++

so...a day before 05...i feel nothing different...still no hope...still no light in the night...still empty just like yesterday...nothing has changed...the suffix has incremented but everything is still the same...

i still can't write...you still can't understand...

+++

happy new year to all... ;-p

the collage (curie-4 batch'04)

my former classmates in their former glories as children...damned to exist in a world that fails to understand their beauty...that fails to understand their genius...that failed...in creating the "carlo" creature...(sinister snicker)...syempre joke lang...peace tayo carlo! ;-p
copyright krucifixion87

true...so true...about loving someone...

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the 

person we love, we fail to recognize and 

appreciate the people who love us. We miss out 

on so many beautiful things and simply because 

we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own 

selfish concerns. Go for the woman of deeds and 

not for the woman of words for you will find 

rewarding happiness not with the woman you love 

but the woman loves you more.

The best lovers are who are capable of loving 

from a distance, far enough to allow the other 

person to grow, but never too far to feel the 

love deep within your being. To let go of 

someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it 

only means that you allow that person to find 

his own HAPPINESS without expecting him to come 

back. Letting go is not just setting the other 

person free, but it is also setting yourself 

free from all fears, bitterness, hatred and 

anger that you keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare away your 

strength and weaken your faith, and never allow 

pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow 

with wisdom in bearing it. You may have found 

peace in just loving someone from a distance not 

expecting anything in return. But be careful, 

for this can sustain life but can never give 

enough room for us to grow. We can all survive 

with just beautiful memories of the past but 

real peace and happiness come only with open 

acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance 

upon someone so nice and we just find ourselves 

getting so intensely attracted to that person. 

This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday 

lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and 

actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to 

realize that this person feels nothing more 

for us than just friendship, or the feeling she 

might have for us is just too far from how you 

love him. We start our desperate attempt to get 

noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts 

are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry 

for ourselves.

You don’t have to be bitter on love. What you 

need to learn is how to accept the verdict or 

reality without being bitter or sorry for 

yourself. Believe me, you would be better off

 giving that dedication and love to someone more 

deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life, 

be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. 

Listen not only to your feelings but to reason 

as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, 

it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. 

If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you 

failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make it 

sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the 

bitterness that the past has left with you. Let 

go of yesterday and love will find its way back 

to you. And when it does, pray that it may be 

the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

“When you lose someone… and you think you were 

the one who loved most, between the two of you… 

she lost more. For someday you can love someone 

the way that you loved her… But she will never be 

loved again the way that you did.”

+++

this one's a tearjerker...words cannot express how i felt when i read it...it made me realize a couple of things...things i'd rather not discuss with anyone but myself...i thank God for my ability to feel...to be hurt...to be loved...

...to love...

+++

who me?

the weirdness...
copyright krucifixion87

the new year...

come forth and bring the joy and happiness of 2005...

+++

but is there any reason to be happy? is there any reason to be joyful?

thousands of people lost their lives to a tidal wave caused by 9.0 earthquake...

is there any reason to be happy?

+++

define happiness...its a word...root word: happy...

define joy...another word...dishwashing paste...tissue paper...

+++

we'd be lucky if the whole didn't blow up by next year...everything is coming into play now...pollution...global warming...feuding politicians...corrupt officials...surefire hoaxes about the end of the world...lovers quarrels...breakups...deaths...adoptions...divorce...marriage...child birth...overpopulation...stupidity...uneducated youth...uneducated masses...bandwagon appeal...

everything will come to a crashing end...eventually...

but hopefully next year would be better...

i, for one, am optimistic...let's just see what happens...

+++

happy new year to all and may God grant you the peace and ignorant bliss of being alive...pray for the souls who have departed these foreign shores...and pray for your own, which still battles, every single day...pray that it survive the tests of time and that it cross over into the new world with grace, dignity, and peace...

+++

memphis stands at 13-17...not bad for a team who just got a new coach...as always, Pau Gasol rocks... ;-)

tohru and cat kyo *hugging*

the sweet finale...the sohma curse isn't broken but that is one sweet picture... ;-)
copyright krucifixion87

momiji...

the year of the rabbit...momiji sohma...if i was drunk, i'd probably think he was a girl...
copyright krucifixion87

the science of crucifixion (reposted)

**Each year, Cahlen Shrier, Ph.D., associate professor in the Department of Biology and Chemistry, presents a special lecture on the science of Christ's crucifixion. She details physiological processes a typical crucified victim underwent and teacher her students to see Christ's death on the cross with new understanding. The exact events in this scenario may not have happened in Jesus' specific case, but the account is based on historical documentation of crucifixion procedures used during that time period. Please be aware that the following is of a realistic and graphic nature.

It is important to understand from the beginning that Jesus would have been in excellent physical condition. As a carpenter by trade, He participated in physical labor. In addition, He spent much of His ministry traveling on foot across the countryside. His stamina and strength were, most likely, very well developed. With that in mind, it is clear just how much He suffered: If this torture could break a man in such good shape, it must have been a horrific experience.

After the Passover celebration, Jesus takes His disciples to Gethsemene to pray. During His anxious prayer about the events to come, Jesus sweats drops of blood. There is a rare medical condition called hemohedrosis, during which the capillary blood vessels that feed the sweat glands break down. Blood released from the vessels mixes with the sweat; therefore, the body sweats drops of blood. This condition results from mental anguish or high anxiety, a state Jesus expresses by praying "my soul is deeply grieved to the point of death" (Matthew 26:38). Hemohedrosis makes the skin tender, so Jesus' physical condition worsens slightly.

Traveling from Pilate to Herod and back again, Jesus walks approximately two and a half miles. He has not slept, and He has been mocked and beaten (Luke 22:63-65). In addition, His skin remains tender from the hemohedrosis. His physical condition worsens.

Pilate orders Jesus to be flogged as required by Roman law before crucifixion Traditionally, the accused stood naked, and the flogging covered the area from the shoulders down to the upper legs. The whip consisted of several strips of leather. In the middle of the strips were metal balls that hit the skin, causing deep bruising. In addition, sheep bone was attached to the tips of each strip. When the bone makes contact with Jesus' skin, it digs into His muscles, tearing out chunks of flesh and exposing the bone beneath. The flogging leaves the skin on Jesus' back in long ribbons. By this point, He has lost a great volume of blood which causes His blood pressure to fall and puts Him into
shock. The human body attempts to remedy imbalances such as decreased blood volume, so Jesus' thirst is His body's natural response to His suffering (John 19:28). If He would have drank water, His blood volume would have increased.

Roman soldiers place a crown of thorns on Jesus' head and a robe on His back (Matthew 27:28-29). The robe helps the blood clot (similar to putting a piece of tissue on a cut from shaving) to prevent Jesus from sustaining more blood loss. As they hit Jesus in the head (Matthew 27:30), the thorns from the crown push into the skin and He begins bleeding profusely. The thorns also cause damage to the nerve that supplies the face, causing intense pain down His face and neck. As they mock Him, the soldiers also belittle Jesus by spitting on Him (Matthew 27:30). They rip the robe off Jesus' back and the bleeding starts afresh.

Jesus' physical condition becomes critical. Due to severe blood loss without replacement, Jesus is undoubtedly in shock. As such, He is unable to carry the cross and Simon of Cyrene executes this task (Matthew 27:32).

Crucifixion was invented by the Persians between 300-400 B.C. It is quite possibly the most painful death ever invented by humankind. The English language derives the word "excruciating" from crucifixion, acknowledging it as a form of slow, painful suffering.
1 Its punishment was reserved for slaves, foreigners, revolutionaries, and the vilest of criminals. Victims were nailed to a cross; however, Jesus' cross was probably not the Latin cross (?), but rather a Tau cross (T). The vertical piece (the stipes) remains in the ground permanently. The accused carries only the horizontal piece (the patibulum) up the hill. Atop the patibulum lies a sign (the titulus), indicating that a formal trial occurred for a violation of the law. In Jesus' case, this reads "This is the King of the Jews" (Luke 23:38).

The accused needed to be nailed to the patibulum while lying down, so Jesus is thrown to the ground, reopening His wounds, grinding in dirt, and causing bleeding. They nail His "hands" to the patibulum. The Greek meaning of "hands" includes the wrist. It is more likely that the nails went through Jesus' wrists. If the nails were driven into the hand, the weight of the arms would cause the nail to rip through the soft flesh.

Therefore, the upper body would not be held to the cross. If placed in the wrist, the bones in the lower portion of the hand support the weight of the arms and the body remains nailed to the cross. The huge nail (seven to nine inches long) 2 damages or severs the major nerve to the hand (the median nerve) upon impact. This causes continuous agonizing pain up both of Jesus' arms.

Once the victim is secured, the guards lift the patibulum and place it on the stipes already in the ground. As it is lifted, Jesus' full weight pulls down on His nailed wrists and His shoulders and elbows dislocate (Psalm 22:14).3 In this position, Jesus' arms stretch to a minimum of six inches longer than their original length.

It is highly likely that Jesus' feet were nailed through the tops as often pictured. In this position (with the knees flexed at approximately 90 degrees),4 the weight of the body pushes down on the nails and the ankles support the weight. The nails would not rip through the soft tissue as would have occurred with the hands. Again, the nail would cause severe nerve damage (it severs the dorsal pedal artery of the foot) and acute pain.

Normally, to breathe in, the diaphragm (the large muscle that separates the chest cavity from the abdominal cavity) must move down. This enlarges the chest cavity and air automatically moves into the lungs (inhalation). To exhale, the diaphragm rises up, which compresses the air in the lungs and forces the air out (exhalation). As Jesus hangs on the cross, the weight of His body pulls down on the diaphragm and the air moves into His lungs and remains there. Jesus must push up on His nailed feet (causing more pain) to exhale. In order to speak, air must pass over the vocal cords during exhalation. The Gospels note that Jesus spoke seven times from the cross. It is amazing that despite His pain, He pushes up to say "Forgive them" (Luke 23:34).

The difficulty surrounding exhalation leads to a slow form of suffocation. Carbon dioxide builds up in the blood, resulting in a high level of carbonic acid in the blood. The body responds instinctively, triggering the desire to breathe. At the same time, the heart beats faster to circulate available oxygen. The decreased oxygen (due to the difficulty in exhaling) causes damage to the tissues and the capillaries begin leaking watery fluid from the blood into the tissues. This results in a build-up of fluid around the heart (pericardial effusion) and lungs (pleural effusion). The collapsing lungs, failing heart, dehydration, and the inability to get sufficient oxygen to the tissues essentially suffocate the victim.5 The decreased oxygen also damages the heart itself (myocardial infarction) which leads to cardiac arrest. In severe cases of cardiac stress, the heart can even burst, a process known as cardiac rupture.6 Jesus most likely died of a heart attack.

After Jesus' death, the soldiers break the legs of the two criminals crucified alongside Him (John 19:32), causing suffocation. Death would then occur quicker. When they came to Jesus, He was already dead so they did not break His legs (John 19:33). Instead, the soldiers pierced His side (John 19:34) to assure that He was dead. In doing this, it is reported that "blood and water came out" (John 19:34), referring to the watery fluid surrounding the heart and lungs.

While these unpleasant facts depict a brutal murder, the depth of Christ's pain emphasizes the true extent of God's love for His creation. Teaching the physiology of Christ's crucifixion is a
constant reminder of the magnificent demonstration of God's love for humanity that was expressed that day in Calvary. This lesson enables me to participate in communion, the remembrance of His sacrifice, with a grateful heart. I am struck every time with the stunning realization that as a flesh and blood human, Jesus felt every ounce of this execution. What greater love than this can a man have for his friends?

+++

weirdoo...

yeah, i know...i've been acting weird lately...but who cares, right? who the fuck cares?

you don't give a shit about me or what i feel, so why the fuck comment on my weird behavior?

+++

there's a small lump on my back and i can't get it off...i can't seem to pin point what's causing it and i think i'm going to die with it still on...it doesn't matter anyway...i will die...with or without the lump....but then again, it would be nicer to have it off...i mean, i wouldn't want my face stuck on the mirror of my casket because of some stupid lump that can be surgically removed, right? ...

+++

ring the bell, quasimodo! ring it, so everyone may hear! the freak!!!!!!!

+++

i'm in no mood to right, really...its as if i'm forcing myself to regularly update my blog...but i've been in a horrible mood lately...things that happened that shouldn't have happened are clouding my life...

+++

shit...

+++

kitchie...
copyright krucifixion87

xmas...

xmas...xmas...what the fuck is xmas? x is nothing! what is x!?!?!?

+++

it's christmas time...merry christmas to all...

+++

may christ shower you with infinite blessings from the heavens as you enjoy your holidays...

+++

-=click=-

http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html

+++

go, ahead...copy and paste...see what happens...

+++

-=x=-

release...

+++

you think its nice to smile...you think something's funny?

why?

'coz you've got everything you've ever wanted? 'coz you're happy with your life right now? because you've loved and have been loved in return?

bullshit...

you're not smiling because of that...you're smiling inspite of that....you're hiding something deep inside that you don't want other people to know...your weakness, i can see it...

no?

really? you have no weakness?

who are you superman? batman? robin? the green fucking hornet? you're no superhero...you're just like me...fragile...alone...cold...wanting someone to hug you at night, wanting someone to smile for you and at you...wanting the ultimate happiness in the world...

you're no different than me...you just smile better and let other people see your pearly whites...i just choose not to..because in reality, there is nothing so smile about...there is nothing funny about anything anymore...

in reality, life sucks...and you have to deal with it...because you've got one shot...one opportunity...to get it right...or you'lll probably spent eternity regretting ever second of it...your life...

bullshit...you are smiling...

bullshit...you think its funny...

bullshit...you think i'm full of it...

crap...you don't believe me, do you?

+++

reminder...

www.deadname.com

+++

this serves as a reminder for the blogger and not the reader...if you want to visit the link above, why not...

+++

i'm am so depressed...

of god, barbers, and drunkeness

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they
eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe
that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God
doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be
neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all
of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he
didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just
after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long,
stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he
said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and
I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they
did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards,
like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What happens, is,
people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for
Him.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

+++

so, really, who gives a shit about this kind of stuff...i just posted it because i thought some people might need to read this kind of thing during the holidays when everything else seems grim...but don't get me wrong, i didn't write it...some idiot forwarded it to his entire address book ...i just happened to read on such a fine day after a grand hangover...

+++

i lost my tongue last night...oops, it went...

+++

the cast *from fruits basket*

just finished fruits basket...it was a wonderful viewing experience...everybody should go and watch it...as sissy as this may sound, i actually cried during the last episode...***yes, i am a sissy, i admit it...***
copyright krucifixion87

1942

there is no feeling...

+++

my eyes are pushed back...my face is emptied out from all the emotion...i feel nothing...i see nothing...i hear everything...

nothing is what it seems...seemingly everything is nothing...

+++

its 11...i am cold...i am exhausted...i am full of it...i am what i am because i choose to be..
+++

choice has eveything to do with me...though i am an accident...i am a choice...

+++

there is no feeling...

+++

where are you now?
sweet sorrow
barely even touching
are the rays of tomorrow

see what has happened
alone i sit awhile
as the world turns to dust
i know i'll still be alive

seeing the death
feeling the destruction
everything must come to an end
everything will experience suffocation

born with nothing
die with everything
i feel the burn
now see this...

+++

feel...

+++

try...

+++

die...

+++

accomplish...

+++

the year is 1942...i am alive for now...and so are

you...

the guys from alter bridge

if i were half as talented as these guys from alter bridge, i'd be happier...but then again i still need a ton of practice before i can reach a fourth of their level...as they say, practice makes perfect...but nobody's perfect, so why the hell practice...?
copyright krucifixion87

don't be a pirate...cause piracy is bad...so don't be bad... *sure..*

remember boys and girls...piracy is bad...it kills the very industry that entertains us...it will destroy media profit...**yeah, sure...like you don't have a stack of bootleg cds, you ass..**
copyright krucifixion87

awww...cute...

tohru honda along with kyo (cat), yuki (the small rat), and shigure (the pervert dog) from fruits basket....**a great story underneath generic anime antics**
copyright krucifixion87

four score...

life begins at 40...or so i've heard...

+++

i wonder what i'll be...dead? alive? singing in front of millions? or trying to keep myself from screaming in front of a mirror? gasping for breathe? looking to the sky for answers? asking myself, "why?why?why?"? what'll i do? what would i have become by then?

a loser...a writer...a singer...a guitar player...a couch potato...a game tester...a software developer...a computer tycoon...a millionaire...a billionaire...a trillionaire...broke...dead...running for my life...trying to get some sleep...making the same mistakes...over and over and over and over...

by 40, my life would begin...or so it would seem...

i'd get a car...have a wife...a few kids...one'll be in college...the other in elementary...i'll my own house...a stable job...monthly visits to the doctor...yearly visits to relatives, dead or alive...my father would be dead...my mother won't...my guitar skills would decline...i'd have my own drum set...i'd have my 3rd dog...still named doglas or lassie...i'd be happy...

+++

but then again, four score is not 40 years...its 80...

a long time to have lived, no?...too long?

god, i hope not...

this is how everyone will look like in the future if we keep on listening to heavy stuff that makes the brain go boom...but then again, that's not a bad idea...
copyright krucifixion87

would you believe...?

anime has never had a soft part in my heart...

i've always disliked the worship of moving drawings...

but then an angel smiled upon me...and everything changed...

+++

i used to watch samurai x and dragonball and yuyu hakusho but they were all generic...it's like you were forced to watch them, because everybody else was...but as the anime craze grew...and the dozens upon dozens of animation stints went up and down, i was lost in the process...and i eventually put out my tongue in disgust at the worship of these moving drawings...

i mean, how can a guy look handsome if he has the same nose, eyes, ears, and God-forbid hairstyle as the next guy but get different reactions from different viewers...

they're animated telenovelas...the worst entertainment i could fathom...

+++

then i watched this "moving" anime...fruits basket...

i just changed my opinion, just like that...

+++

don't get me wrong, i do not worship these gods from the ink of artists...i just like the story, the concept...and ultimately and light feeling i get after watching an episode...

+++

call me stupid...but like it...

kyo versus yuki *mind games*

cat versus rat...
copyright krucifixion87

f*** u?

expression...1..0...
copyright krucifixion87

they call him mr. tremonti *creed god*

guitar god..tremonti...
copyright krucifixion87

from timothy...

chester in the dark...
copyright krucifixion87

shoes...

yesterday, my left shoe gave up...i used the pair since last june...they were pretty alright...funny though, my left shoe had a smile written on its face when we went home...oh joy...

you can almost imagine me dragging feet...

+++

there's this guy on the corner of Maceda and Espaýa...i see him everyday...and everyday he does not disappoint...you can laugh...feel pity...and feel contempt for the world...all at the same time...just by looking at the guy...

he wears a half sown t-shirt...and smudges of dirt all over...he's got long shorts that find their base above his knees...his butt cleavage shows everytime...

robert smith of the cure does this guy's hair...and the people in survivor have definitely put on his facials...

he's a nomad...a wanderer content with living at the corner of one of the most traffic congested parts of Metro Manila...

he's crazy...he knocks on people's car windows and asks for money...he shifts himself at the entrance of a jeepney and tries to look his best...

he smiles now and then...at something funny only to himself...he stares at the sky and laughs...crazy...

and i see this all, everyday...as the traffic light reads red...everyday...every morning...just before we hit the university...just before my reality kicks in...

this man, this poor, poor man...i see...

i feel pity...i laugh at him...i laugh with him...

+++

the world is such a terrible thing to waste...so is the mind...so is your humanity...so is your sanity...

...so is your soul...

+++

i was born yesterday...

gimme a break...

+++

i have let out all i have inside...no longer am i couped up like i used to be...i am reborn...i am new...i am something you are not...i am a man within a child...a master within an apprentice...i was born yesterday...and i will die today...

+++

these are the words of a broken man...without a past...without a present...without a future...born yesterday...buried tomorrow...there is no fun here...there is no life here...

..this is an exaggeration...

+++

double g, double p, double u, double me...

+++

trouble trouble, who's burst my bubble...was it the mad hatter from dear alice's land...or the crazy imp, who fell from heaven into hell...?

+++

#include
main()
{
float sum, num1, num2;
clrscr();
printf("Enter a number:");
scanf("%f", &num1);
printf("Enter another number:");
scanf("%f", &num1);
sum=num1+num2;
printf("The sum of %f and %f is %f", num1,num2,sum);
getch();
}

+++

i learned what i have learned because i have allowed myself to see past my own insecurities and see my potential...to see my true abilities...to rise above any obstacle...and succeed with the ferocious appetite for success...and to fail with the utmsot grace and dignity, head held high...smirking like an idiot...

+++

this is my life...i was born yesterday...i will tomorrow...but i breathe now and until the illusion ceases, i will breathe forever...

+++

12/12/04 01:18 pm - maker...

i try not to think about how the world made me what i am now...i try to concentrate on the fact that the environment that i reside in, that the environment that molds my humanity is nothing but an accident...

a very unfortunate accident, at that...

+++

there is no spoon...do you see a spoon?

no...there is no spoon...

so go on and bend it you f*cking moron...

+++

here's one i wish i thought of:

If ever you wondered if you touched my soul,yes you do
Since I met you I'm not the same
You bring life to everything I do
Just the way you say hello
With one touch I can't let go
Never thought I'd fall in love with you...

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you
You captured something inside of me
You make all of my dreams come true
It's not enough that you love me for me
You reached inside and touched me eternally
I love you best explains how I feel for you...

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

The magic in your eyes
True love I can't deny
When you hold me I just lose control
I want you to know that I'm never letting go
You mean so much to me I want the world to see,
It's because of you

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

by Keith Martin

+++

i long for the moment when i will fear nothing and believe in the salvation that lies ahead of me...if there is such a salvation...if there is such a feeling...

+++

there are times when i feel alone...cold...lonely...

but i don't think about those times...those times sucked...so why dwell on them? ...that would just aim to grab sympathy...and i don't like sympathy...its weak....its that little pat on the back saying better luck next time...or i'm sorry it had to happen to you...

sympathy is weak...its back door...its an easing of the pain...

+++

my guitar is alive...it talked to me a while back...it said...D-A-Bm-G...then screamed a rock solo accompanying a cheesy boy band song...then it wept...

+++

12/12/04 01:17 pm - the roof...the roof...the roof is on fire...

burn m*therf**cker...burn...

+++

the life and love of humanity...chapter 1....verse 3:16...

in the beginning there was darkness...and in the darkness there was an empty void filled with nothingness...then somebody said, "Let there be more darkness..."

and darkness spread...all over the previous darkness...it eventually evolved into light...it cancelled each other so much...that the smallest molecule of light was born...

then God appeared...out of nowhere, this powerful being suddenly appeared and breathed life into the meaningless light...he set forth a meaningful darkness he called night...and made the meaningful light, day...

then he got an idea...what if somebody lived in the day and night, besides him...so he created bacteria...amoebas...little single celled organism...he breathed unto them life and the power to evolve...

then he left...for a couple of thousand millenia...then returned to find a naked prehistoric man....scratching his ass and eating apples...he made a woman out of the man...and the man, looked up at him and was grateful...

then a serpent appeared...the first of its kind...yup, a talking serpent... (sure...)

this serpent was once an ally of god who was cast down upon an infinite darkness that was called hell...the serpent tricked man into believing that he could be greater than this god...

he was wrong in trusting the serpent...and so began, the tradition of picking apples from the tree and talking to animals who can utter words and exchange ideas...

+++

sage pt.1

if war is hell
and hell's on earth
what could heaven be
that we desire its birth
if this life be damned
and if God is true
then hell wouldn't so bad
if heaven, we have to look forward to

+++

take computer science in college...trust me...you'll love it...

"yeah...sure...we believe you"

12/12/04 01:16 pm - famous last words...

i don't have any...famous last words...

+++

i don't even have famous first words...all i have are these words...written...thought of...on paper...digitally...concocted theories of this imagination...words that mean nothing...words that contain no essence...no anguish...no despair...no love...no joy...no hate...no sadness...nothing...empty...{}...zero...

+++

Misc. Overture
by Me...

i am born only to die...what is life for?
i become rich only to burn...can i have more?
will i take and run away...or will i make the same mistake...?
will i turn only to be burned...will i drive away this fate...?

how can i become what i want?
when what i want will never be what i'll become?
how can one live without expression?
how can one feel without impressions?

dare i say,
i die tonight...
wither into nothingness,
i take this last flight...
born only to die,
in birth i am one...
born only to ruled,
in fearing i become...

nothing...

+++

12/12/04 01:11 pm - wash...

this is an exaggeration...

+++

there are no tears...there are no fears...there is nothing left to ponder about anything...there is only the me....and the you...two insignificant beings wandering aimlessly into the void that is life...two unsuspecting creatures of faith, bound by nothing, bound by no reason or thought...just being...alive...well...happy...

there is no yesterday...it is an finite illusion of an infinite possibility...it does not exist...it is a fraud...there is no time past...just as there is no time present or future...it is relative...

everything is relative...no tears and no yesterday for me...just the now...just the today...that is an infinite....that is non-illusion...

that is now...

+++

born today...gone tomorrow...feeding on the rotten carcass of life itself...trying to survive in a world where dog eats dog and cat takes a huge bite of rat...survival of the fittest...the weaker shall not reign...rather the weaker's blood shall spill into the unending abyss of forever...

+++

end of exaggeration...

12/3/04 04:04 am - rinse...

rinse...

+++

what is my calling? what do i live for? what will become of me? questions...questions...questions...

+++

my life stopped at roughly 1:42:23 pm today...i stopped...looked around the university i went to...found a decent spot to sit and think...and went there...

i sat and thought...i looked around occasionally at the passersby...i felt the wind in my face...i felt the chill of that late november wind...i felt it right down my spine...

what was i doing? was i meant for this? was i getting anywhere with this futile attempt, this attempt that was decided for me, by me, but without my consent...?

was i suppose to be sitting there? thinking about this shit? grazing my mind into the idea that i was meant for the big time...that i was capable enough and skilled enough to play rough in real life...???

but i didn't linger long...minutes later, i got up and went home...with the main building's backdrop looming in my mind...

i went home, opened the computer, and pretended to do something useful...

then i shut it down...along with everything else...

+++

rinse...wash...hang...

+++

the grizzlies lost to the t-wolves...hubie brown resigned...things aren't looking up for my favorite ballclub in the nba... ;(

11/27/04 11:07 pm - the highly unstable...(break)...

why does life have to be like this? :

you wake up at five, take a bath at 5:05. you're dressed by 5:15...you get your money and head out the door early because there's a transport strike underway and you just want to get to school as early as possible to avoid any hassles...

your eyes are low, your breath is toothpaste fresh, and your head feels like a piece of concrete being taken down by a jackhammer...

you slowly approach the door with your head spinning...then the radio boosts that your school suddenly cancelled classes...

thank god, your still at home...but then again, the jackhammer is still on, your awake, and you can't go back to sleep...

you'll miss your P.E. class...your affirmation that you are not Michael Jordan nor are you even worthy to be a benchwarmer in the NBA...

you'll miss playing 9-ball with your friends during your 3-hour break and eating the same old shit at a fastfood headed by an evil, red bee...

you'll miss the chance to meet with your girlfriend after class...but that was taken long before, as her classes were suspended since yesterday...

you'll miss the airconditioned room you reside in half of the day...

you'll miss your friends...

you'll even miss your bitch professor, who knows as much as an ant in the course she teaches...

you'll miss everything about going to your pathetic college life...

...then you wake up, and the jackhammer is still on...

+++

"the highly unstable....is so far the only thing that is stable..."

won't let this build up inside me... 11-21-2004 7:14 PM

Vermilion Part 2 by sLipKnot

She seemed dressed and not all of me
Stretched across my shame,
All the torment and the pain
Leaked through and covered me.
I'd do anything to have her to myself,
Just to have her for myself.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

She is everything to me,
The unrequited dream,
It's all the know one things
The unattainable.
She's a myth that I have to believe in,
All I need to make it real is one more reason.

I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.

But I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
I won't let this build up inside of me.
won't let this build up inside of me.

A catch in my throat, choke,
Torn into pieces, I won't. No.
I don't want to be this but


I won't let this build up inside of me...
(won't let this build up inside of me)

She isn't real.
I can't make her real.
She isn't real.
I can't make her real.

**makes me want to cry**...

+++

no classes today...my typical monday...

there's not much to say...nor is there anything else to do...i'll just hang around the house and make short work of the free time that i have by doing all my assignments...what a revelation...

+++

i saw the grizzlies-warriors game last night...and as always the memphis grizzlies produced a very entertaining basketball game...this one they won...bravo j-will, stro, mike, earl, dhante, and the rest of the guys...(pau gasol did not play due to an injury from their game at sacramento...

go grizzlies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+++

there was thing i was thinking about last night...i vaguely remember thinking about it this morning...then suddenly it was shaken out of my system with a loud cry of an injusticed child...wahwahwahwah!!

damn, it's noisy here now that everything's changing...change is inevitable, they say...i say, fuck change, everything was fine before, why mess it the fuck up?

just wishful thinking... ;-p

+++

11/27/04 11:06 pm - raining and pouring...

signal no. 1...hobgosh...the sky is freakin' fallin' and the weather guys say its signal freakin' no. 1...freaks...

+++

the sky turned dark black (overkill) just about 2 hours ago...when it was four in the afternoon!...

God must angry or something...probably not though...

+++

i'm really enjoying my college life...i haven't gotten a good night's sleep since my high school days...everytime i wake up, i don't want to get up....everytime i answer a quiz, i always think i'm going to fail...and the last time i tried to perform in a show in front of my peers, my group member's guitar choked and the musical arrangement i had planned so much, sounded like a really bad slipknot song...

yup...college life is really good to me...

+++

the wind is up
the world is cold
the rain, she pours
down on us all.

whether or not
we be the best
we'll never know
until we rest

from all this madness
this glorious sadness
so, full...so empty
so blissfully insignificant

the wind is up
the world is cold
the rain, she pours
down on us all

+++

the rain...she's still pouring...god, i wanted to go out tonight...crap...

random thoughts uno...

i have no idea what i was thinking. there it was...this spontaneous thought out of nowhere. i think it started when i thought of die hard the movie with bruce willis. then i suddenly picked up the "move fast, live long" lines. it even sounds like a teaser for some violent action movie starring some unknown hollywood wannabe.

+++

i am a very selfish person. by nature, i hate giving out stuff that belongs to me, even if i don't have any use for them. i just don't want to lose anything.

but...i don't know...whenever i see someone in need, even though my gut tells me i should keep it all to myself and share my wealth with me, i can't help but give out to the world that has, in reality, given me so much.

like the time some beggar came at the door looking for old clothes because their house was burned down or something. i didn't have old clothes and i could've just given her the cold face with the matching "i'm sorry" line and just turned her away. but i didn't.

i went to the dining table and got two lucky me supreme instant noodle packs. i picked them up. i went back to the door. and i gave it to her.

she asked if i had any old clothes. i said no...this was all the help i could offer. she gave me a small smile and said thank you.

she walked to the other side of the street and pressed the doorbell.

am i giving? was that an act of selfless love for the neighbor? i don't know. maybe. maybe not. who cares...

oh right...HE does...

+++

peace out...

begin...

[press start to play]...



...start...



connecting to server....



connection failed...



switching to mirror....



accepted...



connected to krucify87 at 10bps...



downloading file life.exe v1.0



estimated download completion in [error] minutes...



[error on page...]



[continue downloading anyway?]



yes...



printf..."even if it takes a lifetime..."



....processing....