i push my fingers into my eyes...

this is fun the part...whatever begins must end...but while the end is still a mystery...now becomes history...with each passing second...we come closer to death...to our ultimate demise...our meeting with our maker...but until that moment...of absolute clarity...when the reasons of our existence...suddenly become imminent...life is here...time evolves...love flourishes...God blesses...I live...

Saturday, January 29, 2005

!kjwan..::time to surface::..kjwan!


kjwan...masters...go join kjwan_online@yahoogroups.com and spread the word about these exceptional rockers...and check out their gigs...get a copy of the album, too...its great stuff... drop by their site by clicking this link kjwan...or go to the sidebar and click it there...
> FEB 3: mtv asia awards party, fiesta carnival cubao
> FEB 4: la salle taft
> FEB 6: TOWER - Sm North (the garden)
> FEB 11: malolos (malolos sports complex)
> FEB 12: la salle ghills
> FEB 14: UP sunken garden
> FEB 18: PHilippine Science HS
> FEB 19: UP Sunken Garden 97.1 LSFM event
> FEB 20: TOWER ALABANG
> FEB 26: ST SCHO MANILA (99.5 rt event)
> FEB 27: MEGAMALL MEGATRADE HALL
copyright krucifixion87

..::a perfect circle::..

i almost failed penmanship when i was in grade school...i never seemed to get all that cursive crap they try and feed you just when you're trying to understand your unique handwriting...

i never learned how to draw either...for me, the disfigured circle with lines stemming out of it was the most artistic thing on earth...god, i hate how i can't draw...

+++

the monster my bed called to me again...they wanted me to play another god forsaken set of "you're a god" in my sleep...i twist and turn and ignore there bored wishes...i go back to sleep...and eventually retrace vertical horizon's drum line...

+++

listen by stonefree...heard it a couple of times...never really got to the know song all that well...and it turns out its the common piece in the battle of the bands elimination...god help us...

+++

and we were practicing "love song" all day...how sad...emil won't get to play those smooth bass licks...and jeff (mastah dyep) won't be able to commit to the broken down solo he took on with his monster hands...err, fingers...and poor, poor, poor timmy...how ever far away, i will always love you...i think that's how he sang it...too bad...

+++

the guys at mayrics took our band name (god, did we have to have a name?) and my cell phone number...dear lord, i hope they never contact us...then they mentioned that they offered lessons there too...ooohhh...so does that mean we suck?

+++

i''m pooped...i have taken a poop...but i think i'll poop up the stereo...and listen to come musical poop...

+++

Monday, January 24, 2005

blown away...

i was looking inside the barrel of a gun...i dared not to flinch because i knew one mistake could mean death...then i glanced at his eyes...those cold dark empty eyes...i saw nothing...a void where nothing could ever exist...no love...no hate...no emotion...

+++

i fixed my eyes back on the barrel...it was dark...almost empty...but i knew there was a bullet inside...waiting to be shot....waiting to be set free...i knew i was going to die...so i went back...

+++

your life doesn't flash before your eyes when you die...it'll be your choice if you want to remember anything before your last breath...all you do...is remember...or forget...which ever you want...

+++

he asks me one more time...do i want to die...i don't answer...i didn't answer before and i'd be damned if i answered him now...i look at his eyes again...now i find meaning, now i find purpose...he was going to kill me...

+++

i dare him to pull the trigger...i open my arms and welcome the bullet...but he grins...and walks away..into the dark...where no one can see him...no one...

+++

then a shot...a loud bang...ringing...louder...louder...hot...burning...

+++

my body lay on the twisted pavement...my insides splattered...my mind emptied...i was dead...and i knew it...

Sunday, January 23, 2005


you will be punished...says the cool looking guy with the skull written on his sociopath muscle shirt... ;p
copyright krucifixion87

Thursday, January 20, 2005

boredom

i breathe toxic...there is no air inside my room...or my life...

+++

everything is so damn complicated that my neck is being choked right now by the very problems that i have created...

+++

i am complicated...

+++

my tongue is touching my cheek...the world around is crumbling at its feet...and i'm starting to rhyme, now and that's not good...

+++

there is no sense in what your reading so stop it...

+++

i started out with a real good thought but i lost it...and now i'm trying to make a pathetic excuse to humor you while you still continue to waste your time reading this junk...try the archive section...there's some good stuff there if you haven't read them yet...

+++

i am bored...

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

open your eyes...


someday...someday...i'm gonna look like that...and play in my own band...and write my own songs...and top the singles charts...and get great looking abs...hmmm, come to think of it, the first few things were a little more realistic than getting the abs.... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

Monday, January 17, 2005

(listen for love)

somebody forwarded this to me a long time ago...thanks goes to the writer, whoever you are...

+++

"The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you love them."

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words. We say take care or don't drive too fast or be good. But really, these are just other ways of saying I love you. You are important to me. I care what happens to you. I don't want you to get hurt.

We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments, which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different.

Any statement of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the statement is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.

A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully - he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.

A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. I was worried about you, the father is saying. Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.

A girl may reprimand a guy to be a better person-- to study well, to stop his vices, to be more responsible and mature in dealing with people, things and situations. He may see her as a person who is trying to control his life-- trying to change his identity. But if he listened carefully, he would have heard the concern disguised under the constant nagging. The girl is afraid to see him pressured into going with the "wrong crowd", afraid to see his potentials go to waste, afraid of his future. But she has failed to express this love more sincerely, for fear of rejection.

We say I love you in many ways- with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone whom has not listened to the love we have tried to express.

The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love, which the other person is using.

A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.

The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the statement on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.

Simon and Garfunkel wrote that very haunting song, The sound of silence. It goes ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking; people hearing without listening; people writing songs that voices never shared, because no one dared disturb the sound of silence. It is a terrifying picture of our modern world, a world without communication and without love. We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize. Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place, after all.

+++

beautiful...

Saturday, January 15, 2005

closure...

i think what i've been looking for all along is closure...

closure from all that has transpired in the past...

i think if i would be able to grasp that moment, wherein everything else becomes purposeful and the past becomes the past, finally...i would be ok...

closing time...

but i still don't know who i want to take me home... :-(

[[[... i will survive ...]]]

Good and evil are all too common nowadays. The line is too straightly drawn as right and wrong no longer reside as factions on two opposite sides fighting for position. The battle is now about survival.

Ideally, the right thing must always be done, but realistically, with all the factors of life put into play, with the law of action and reaction present, the wrong thing, sometimes, seems so right just because it could be able to break your fall

If you and a companion were trapped on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket available, what would you do?

Following the path of righteousness, you would give your companion the life jacket and cry your heart out because you just saved another person's life. That would be ideal.

In the real world, we hardly hear of such heroes.

Realistically, you would take the jacket and save your own hide. Sure, it seems like the wrong thing to do since living is all about helping people, doing good, showing your generosity, etc.

But do you think a human being, put on this earth for a limited time only, would cherish the idea of ending the long roller coaster ride called life for the sole purpose of helping another living being?

It may be hard to swallow, but deep inside, you know you would take that jacket. You know you would step on another person to get promoted. You know you would cut in line just to save time and effort. You know you would cheat in an exam to get a higher grade.

Good and evil are no longer what concerns us. The concern has been shifted to, "What can/will/must I do to survive?" Good and evil have become secondary ideals.

+++

syet...philosophical...its kinda scary...don't think i wrote that...i think it was my evil twin brother or something...

Thursday, January 13, 2005

..::ed::..

I watched Ed tonight…it finished a few minutes ago…and as always my heart felt so light, I wanted to burst into tears…

+++

The main theme of tonight's show was basically honesty…and it hit home…


I realized I haven't been honest to myself for quite some time…about certain things…that I want…that I wish could happen to me…


I thought of the times that I chose to lie…to sway from the truth…the very truth that could make me whole…I thought of the moments when I could've said something true…


I wished I could turn back time…slap my past self in the face…knock some sense into him…and make him do what was right…the honest thing…the right thing…


But then…if I do that…if my wish comes true…then you wouldn't be reading this…because I wouldn't have written it…there would be a different person…asking different questions…making different decisions…that wouldn't be me…


That would me my alternate reality…the result of a thousand ifs and a million thens…


I know now that I am what I am because of my choices…I think how I think because of what was built up inside my head…I am as honest as I am now because this was how I was bred…it can be changed from time to time…but it will always return to its original state…my honesty will decrease and increase given the situation…


+++

I felt sorry for Ed in the episode because it seemed as if he would never get the girl…even though his honesty shone thru and he accepted the fact that she was with another guy…he committed a sacrifice and hid his hurt inside...because he and girl had become such great friends…such close friends…


+++

I felt sympathy for him…I felt empathy…because I know what it's like to not get the girl…and live happily ever after…because you're such great friends…because…


+++

Just friends…


cool...whatta face...
copyright krucifixion87

definition...

here's another thingy written ages ago...this was for my supposed entry at Ateneo that did not materialize...boohoo...


+++

Essay Topic: “Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped you to define you as a person?”

Essay Title: Definition

I am no Einstein nor am I an Edison. I am no da Vinci and I am no Michaelangelo. I don’t have any superpowers nor do I expect, in my wildest fantasies, to receive any. I haven’t won the Pulitzer and I wouldn’t dream of even bagging the Nobel. And no I am not the savior of humanity.

I’m just your ordinary guy…I’m a Cancer, if you want to know and one of my luckiest numbers is four…

Though I could safely say that my life has been a little less ordinary than most ordinary guys lives have been.

And I am defined by my life. Whatever has happened to me has become part me. Whoever has crossed my path has either taught me something or allowed me to forget.

Definition One…the Editor-in-Chief

It was definitely a dream come true for me to land the top spot of EIC in our English language school paper the Electron. Though it was something, somehow, I knew coming.

I’ve been active in the school paper since first year, with my first published work “Child of War” (a child’s view point of the raging conflict in Mindanao) and I’ve never stopped writing for the paper. It’s almost like writing is something automatic for me, it can’t be forced, mind you, it can only be turned on and off, providing there are enough batteries to run the machinery.

I’ve bagged a few top 10 finishes in the district, division, regional press conferences and only last year, I brought home the biggest bacon of my writing career: a first place finish in Sports Writing in the Teodoro Valencia Search for Outstanding Campus Journalists (I also finished, as I recall, in the top 2 of the overall winners). Not to undermine the school’s publications, the Electron claimed top prize in the group categories in English while the Filipino bet, Ang Banyuhay, did the same in the Filipino category.

As they say, “…it’s not if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game…” And I’ve learned from those words dozens of times when I didn’t make it to the top or my accomplishments seemed dismal compared to others. I’ve comforted myself by realizing that it is truly a learning experience to lose…but as most people say, “I don’t like it.”

Piloting such a prestigious school paper, with it’s history rich of clutch wins and disappointing losses, is not an easy task. But I thank Mr. Rex San Diego, our school paper adviser, for having faith in my abilities to lead a staff of writers in creating a publication that not only comprises of events that affect our school, but also of the world it resides in.

All of these dimensions considered, in the realm of writing, I am defined by my work, how I present it and by those people who join me in believing in my capabilities as an able writer, who can relate his opinions and his feelings through the effective formation of journalistic and literary works.

Definition Two…the Boyfriend

At present I have a relationship with a former schoolmate, who now continues her studies at the Far Eastern University.

Like most males, being love struck with a certain girl gets us to do some crazy things. I have had my share.

But that isn’t the point. Going crazy over someone and doing the unthinkable just to make her smile or even laugh is not the what defines me.

It’s my overall relationship with her and how she affects me.

She is a very smart girl and I try to be as a smart as her. I strive to do what she does. She constantly becomes my inspiration to study harder, to really understand the things my teachers say that I really don’t care about. She makes me want to understand the world better because she understands it better.

Of course, there is the constant badgering of my parents to always do my best but her entry into my life has made me see not only what my parents want me to become but what she sees in me as a student in a science high school.

She sees in me things I never saw. She makes me want to do better in everything I do. Nothing I do is average anymore; since I met her, everything’s just a tad bit more special.

And most importantly I love her very much, and that is the ultimate drive that made all those things I said above reality.

Definition Three…the Son

I’ve never really understood the concept of father, mother, and child. No matter how I try to rationalize the concept of “family”, I always ended up with this reality that the father is the household utility man and breadwinner, the mother is the household maid and co-breadwinner, and the child is supposed to suck on his pacifier until he is old enough to get an education and then be expected to do a third of the father and mother’s responsibilities (given that they don’t have a maid or what I refer to as the “Inday” factor).

And how did I come up with this reality? Observation.

I observed my own family situation along with all the other family situations whether they be horrible fiction or religious bible fact. And my role as a child, the only child, the only son, gives me quite another interesting definition of the depiction of myself.

For ten solid years now, I stopped sucking on my pacifier when I was six, I’ve been totally convinced of that my conviction that a child is no more than a mindless predator voraciously consuming all its prey (education, I mean) is merely another of my concocted fallacies.

The child, the only child, the only son, along with the education he receives both in the education system and the household system, is not a mindless persona rather a mindful individual who is opening up to the world.

I am a mindful individual opening up to the world.

Six years before I first laid eyes on my first grammar teacher, I couldn’t remember a single event, which goes to show that before education is given to the child he will only respond to certain stimuli because of impulse. But now, all grown up and dubbed a member of the elite sweet sixteen organization, I can remember almost everything and respond to everything else with decision making.

So, I am basically defined to be an individual who sees the world as he is fed education or information and does a third of whatever the mom and the dad does. He is a responsible (hopefully) and reliable (I wish) member of the household and the education system.

Definition Four…the Music Man

I don’t know how to sing…Well, maybe carry a note or two but not really finish a song.

When I was kid, even though my mom could “name that tune in less than 10 minutes” and my dad was knowledgeable with the piano and the guitar, along with Marco Sison’s song Make Believe, I never really paid any attention to music, except that which I heard on the radio, on tape, or on CD.

I never really took the time to find another way to appreciate music; I never considered playing any instrument nor using my voice as a tool to woo girls.

I had a brief stint with the Glee Club when I was in elementary but I entered that club just because I didn’t want to be a boy scout or a sportsman.

Then came high school, the first time I ever held a guitar and the first time I considered touching the piano we have in the house.

It was a learning experience indeed. When I strummed my very first G chord, it sounded like a bunch of metal strings banded together and when I hit my first middle C, it was a B.

Eventually, I got better and mastered the art of “rhythm guitaring”. I also got the hang of the whole right and left hand thing with the piano. And I became a sort-of drummer, while watching my band’s drummer devastate a drum set during our practices.

These days I try to create my own music, my own songs. Though most of them really sound like nursery rhymes or horrible pop songs, I consider them as my greatest musical masterpieces, just because they are my only greatest musical masterpieces.

I am defined by my music, which is basically everything I hear. Whatever I create with the strums of my guitar or with the keys of a piano, reflects my personality, reflects what I feel and what I think about, in basic do-re-mi.

Summation

I am defined by what I do, by what I have become, by all the people who affect me, by the environment that surrounds me. All these things that have happened to me, whether by fate or by faith, whether for better or worse, are all blessings that have helped me enrich my life and provide my soul with the best experiences life has, so far, offered me.

I am ordinary guy with a less than ordinary life, filled with my own theories and beliefs of how writing, relationships, and life work for me and how I, being ever so humble, work for them.

To end, I’d like to quote Helen Keller: “I thank God for my handicaps, for, through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God.”

+++

that piece of shit got me through into the interview...and with flying colors, I passed into Ateneo without a hitch...then i saw the tuition...

my jaw dropped and i preoccupy myself now with the royal and pontifical catholic university known as UST...

end of story...

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

winter again...

I woke up. The seasons had yet to change. I found out that everything my heart told me was a lie.

I picked a few flowers outside my stepmother’s garden then hid behind a line of trees separating the garden from the road. I just sat there, beneath the giants losing all their hair, as a cool breeze passed by.

What if I came to him? What if I had just stood there and waited for him to come? Would it have made a difference?

A horse-cart passed by.

He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves not…

The horse-cart stopped. The horse’s master, a slender man in a blue uniform, came down and ran towards me. I stood up to meet him.

Mail. It was for my stepmother and two stepsisters. The man in blue gave me three letters. Two were bills. The other one was enclosed in a pink envelope.

I had a strange feeling, like butterflies in my stomach, and I suddenly wanted to open the pink letter. But I shouldn’t. Why? No, I have to open it…

One of my stepsisters saw me open the letter past the garden and slapped me immediately.

“Idiot. This is our mail. How dare you open our mail.”

I never spoke. I just cried on that green surface, covered by hundreds of little brown blankets, beneath the trees.

“Now, get back in the house. The cupboards are dusty.”

It was autumn. It would be winter soon.

Winter appalls me.

Night after night, I would hear that music, that beautiful music, and I would see all of them dancing, all those beautiful people, waltzing…Then when the morning came, and I hear the rooster crow, it would all come to an end. My memory would suddenly become bleak. I wouldn’t be able to recall that night, that ball, until night came again. And my dreams would open the cupboard of my mind and take all those things that I keep hidden from myself…like an innocent child picking fruit in the winter.

I could still remember. The snow was falling but the ball was in high gear. It was warm inside that wonderful estate. John Smith was having a ball in honor of his son’s 25th birthday and all the other landowners were invited. My stepmother was one of them.

My two stepsisters were ridiculously dressed and they brought me along as an assistant, a maid. They tried to attract John Smith’s son but they were too ridiculous for any guy to take them seriously. They dragged me all across the dance floor.

By about a quarter to eleven the two succeeded in cornering Allan. Yes, Allan was his name. And they chatted endlessly about themselves and themselves and of course, themselves. I stood behind them, never speaking, like a tree I was, rooted to the ground.

My stepsisters continuously moved their hands and their head back and forth, like the town gossip spreaders and tried again and again to outwit and outmatch the other with flimsy remarks.

Then he saw me. For a moment, and one moment alone. We saw each other. His eyes looking into my mine, his soul being bared through those two lenses.

For one moment, everything was no more. The music. The dancing. My two stepsisters. The ball. Everything was gone. Dropped by the eternity that passed in a second between us.

I couldn’t help but smile. He would walk towards me, past those two. He would. I know.

But he didn’t. It was as if we were both frozen by the winter’s cold outside. It was like we were stuck on floor. And we just stood there, looking into each other’s eyes. For an eternity. For a second.

Then I ran into the dance floor. Into the forest of faces, camouflaged by the leaves.

Forty-five minutes later it was over. The ball. The dancing. The music. My two stepsisters and my stepmother got on a carriage and left me alone, to walk home. They were cruel. They were rotten. Fruits fallen from the tree.

Anne, one of my stepsisters, opened the letter. One of the maids was sweeping the kitchen floor. Dorothy, my other stepsister, was in her room playing some music with her flute. My stepmother was painting by the living room window.

I entered the house, just after I picked out the last petal on the flower.

He loves me.

Anyway, I didn’t believe the flower. It was only just a flower, a colorful illusion, mobbed by bees and hogged by flower shops.

I went to my room, disobeying Anne, and slept.

I wish it was night.

One more day down…one more day with him not caring. What a life I might have known…but he never saw me there.

The letter informed my stepfamily that John Smith was having another ball, a masquerade, at his estate on the first day of spring. All wealthy landowners were once again invited. The purpose of the ball was to find Allan, a wife, for Mr. Smith felt that he was feeling very weak and nearing the end of his rope. He had seen his last winter, he said in the letter, all the sadness had passed.

Of course, my stepsisters and stepmother were already gearing up, going into town, buying all the fine jewelry they could find. They entered the most prestigious shops and bought the most expensive jewelry they could find. Stepmother wanted this ball to be the one.

She could feel it. One of my daughters going to get married, oh joy!

But they decided not to bring the distractions. Only those with fruits from the tree were allowed to come.

My fairy godmother appeared just as we were leaving for the ball. She was wearing a sheet covered in beautiful petals. Her whole being was one joyful season in the making. Her wand was a bark, and her hair a mesh of snow, leaves, and sunshine.

Go to the ball in your finest attire, she said.

I will guide you. You will be free of your stepfamily. You will have a happy family of your own with the Smith’s. You, yourself, will be happy.

Everything dropped from me. My rags dropped to the floor, my doubts, too.

He did see me. Yes, he did. He saw me like his own reflection on a spring pond, crystal and clear.

She placed upon me a beautiful gown of diamonds. And she brought me to the ball, leaving my stepfamily behind. They went their own way.

As I entered the ballroom, I saw him immediately. My fairy godmother had disappeared, leaving me alone in that see of faces.

I was the only one not wearing a mask, yet my very presence caused the whole ballroom to look at me with wonder. Though, I didn’t know why.

Even, Allan looked.

I didn’t move. I would never move again. I was rooted to the floor. I was my own truth. My own tree with all the fruits picked.

He asked me my name. I could only whisper.

And we danced. We danced all around the ballroom. I smiled. He smiled. I was happy. Was he? Did he think that he’d found his wife? His true love? I didn’t know.

But we danced. The musicians played a song. I can still remember those words:

Who can say where the road goes?

Where the day flows?

Only time.

Who can say if your love grows as your heart chose?

Only time.

Who can say where your heart sights as your love flies?

Only time.

Who can say why your heart cries when your love lies?

Only time.

I saw the seasons change before my eyes. Spring to summer to autumn to winter to spring again. I was happy. Yes, I was.

I was overjoyed when he asked me to marry him. I said yes and left my stepfamily. I came to live with him at his estate, just a few days after his father died.

We had four children. Summer, May, and June, three girls and a boy, August.

I was so happy.

Then I woke up. It was winter again.

+++

plagiarism this is not...i made this myself...as i recall, it was a junior year english project from two of my classmates...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

[LB]


limp bizkit...the glory days... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

[..:::_long_method_:::..]

i miss my old life...i want it back...

the way it was before...where nothing ever surprised me...where everything was planned...where i smiled every single second of every single day...

i want to be a baby again...knowing nothing...feeling everything...making assumptions...making mistakes...sleeping...eating...laughing...crying...

the finer things...the simplest things...the most basic of things...

i miss it so...why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated...why does everything have to be connected to everything...?

+++

i miss lying in bed...not worrying about tomorrow...because i never even knew that tomorrow ever existed...

i miss looking at my mom's face in the morning and screaming at the top of my lungs that i was hungry or i wanted milk or...god forbid, i had wet the bed...

i miss seeing my father leave every morning for work and telling me to be a good boy and all that crap...

i miss seeing my face in the mirror and being amazed...not knowing i was looking at myself...i miss my conversations with myself...the ones where i talk to a person who appears to be saying the exact same thing i was...

i miss drinking milk from a bottle...

i miss not knowing anything...but feeling everything...

+++

why does life have to be so complicated...? why can't we all just simplify it?

why do we have to grow old...why do we have to die...why do we have to go to college and learn things we were never really interested in...why do we have to grow-up and become stubborn versions of our former selves...why do we have to feel pain...

+++

i miss my old life...

+++

i want it back.

3nity


here's a cool trinity wallpaper...i know its old but she's still cool to watch...just click on it and save it on your hard drive... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

friend

this shit was written long long long long long long long long ago...so long i can't even remember what i was thinking about when i wrote it...its stupid really...it has about a thousand grammer errors and a central idea that is just so "teenager"..but i have to keep posting shit that i believe has a chance to win the pulitzer...or at least get read by somebody who isn't a close friend or relative...

+++

This is pathetic, really. I’ve never actually written down anything quite as confessing as this. And you’ll probably never believe me. Or absorb anything that I’ll write down. But what the hell…

We’ve been classmates for quite a while now. We’d never been close but we were close enough to know each other well. We weren’t bosom buddies nor were we study buddies. We didn’t have the same interests or shared the same passion for some pathetic boyband. We didn’t like the same food nor ate with the same people at lunch. We weren’t in the same kind of group.

Theoretically, I was a self-confessed loser, didn’t have many friends, always stood at the back of the line, quiet, playing dumb, playing stupid. She, on the other hand, was somewhat popular and “cool”, if you get what I mean. I was always on the bottom of the ladder when it came to gossip and I was always ill equipped to handle elementary life. She, of course, was the exact opposite.

We met at grade school, during the first days of my stay in Grade II. First time I read her name, I didn’t even pronounce it right. It was so embarrassing. But I shook it off and took the whole “sorry, I mispronounced your name” in stride. I handled it quite well, actually.

During the years that followed, all the way up to present day, we had always been classmates. Funny, I didn’t really think about that. It was kind of some corny twist-of-fate that is incorporated in all cheesy soap operas. The kind where everything is so perfect then something rocks the whole story and becomes the plot of one entire TV season.

Anyway: present day. She has a boyfriend. Whoop de doo… Of course, I’m not the slightest bit happy about it. Why? Oh I’m sorry, I forgot to mention I had a crush on her. And once I did this embarrassing thing. It was so low. It was so desperate. And I was only in grade school and not even circumcised. My god…

Well, enough about that. I think I’ve established myself at the lowest point of humiliation.

She has a boyfriend who happens to be my best friend. Now, my friend, he’s really the cream of the crop when it comes to the “x-factor”. The guy is an underrated girl god. It’s true. And guess how they met each other…Or better yet try to imagine this scenario: girl god befriends loser, loser knows this girl god worshipper, loser introduces them to each other, loser gets trashed in some memory bank and girl god and his follower live happily ever after. Get the picture? Perfect isn’t it.

But I will not accept it. Somehow, someway I’m going to steal her away and make her mine. I just will accept the fact that after 6 god damn years of knowing this girl, I never made a significant move to bring her closer to me for the better progression of my love life. I just will not accept it. Six god damn years. 365 times 6. Do the math.

Well, it’s obvious that you don’t have to have a fucking PHD to understand that I’m a fucking dick. And it’s so obvious that I’m just not the kind of guy that a girl wants to go out and have a ball with. I’m just not that guy. But I tried to be.

And that was my downfall. I guess that’s it. I was trying to be something that I was not that’s why she never noticed me all those fucked up years of redundant hi’s and hello’s. It’s pathetic.

But I talked to her last night. We talked about stuff, whatever came out of our minds. And it was good, kind of therapeutic. And it was nice to finally talk to her at a level where I didn’t have to be shy or down or depressed or any of that. We just talked.

She mentioned that we were friends. She expressed how she didn’t want to let go of my best friend because she felt that he was the one. She mentioned a lot of things. Then I felt accomplished. I don’t exactly know what I accomplished or why I felt that way, but I was accomplished. I was fine. I felt that I didn’t need to want her or want to need her anymore…I don’t have the slightest idea why I thought that.

But I didn’t feel like such a loser. Because I felt had a friend. And maybe that’s what I was missing. Maybe I needed a friend or maybe I just wanted a friend and I couldn’t just shout to the whole world that I had no friends. It would be so embarrassing. So pathetic.

But I felt I had a friend now.

The girl who I always liked, who now belonged to my best friend, the girl I kept secret about, the girl who shined in the sun and on my eyes for six years…she was my friend all along…I never realized…I never noticed…

Crap.

+++

now wasn't that crap...

+++

yup, that was crap...

prayer

Thank for this day, my God.

Forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done to You.

Deliver me to my fate and let me have faith in whatever You have destined for me.

I know You have placed in me the Spirit to help me in all that I do. Let me listen to His Word so that I may accomplish all my tasks with Your grace, Your compassion, and Your guiding hand.

Allow me to become a vehicle for the spread of Your Word and all the good things that spring from It.

You are the Lord God, most high, and I glorify Your name.

+++

the day went out without a hitch...vergil wasn't around to look at our defense and my hands began to hurt from slapping my borrowed bass guitar...didn't think they'd let me borrow it, but i guess the cool cats i jammed with a few days ago trust me with their instrument...

hope i would be able to play well, whenever and wherever the gig arises...

Sunday, January 09, 2005

...dry...

You left without a trace

Broke away from this embrace

Now I have no thought of your face

All of our times, erased.

Now I know what darkness means

With this void you left for me

The isolation stings

So thick it wants to bleed

The echoes in my brain

Of the things you said to me;

You took my everything

And were too blind to see

These places that you flee

With the shadows in your sleep

Are memories of me

Better pray your soul to keep

The truth behind your eyes

You know, that place you’ll never see

Your darkest little lies

Are all the things you’ll never free.

I have this smile to hide me

I have this cross to bear

I have these words to lie to me,

These stupid songs to share.

+++

a little something something i wrote...its not to be taken literally...but it does carry some of my emotion in it...

+++

one thing you learn when everything else crumbles...is that you have to be strong when it counts...you have to stay focused on what you want...and leave behind the baggage you were forced to let go of...

+++

its not nice to linger...moving on hurts but its the only way to carry on...

+++

i am sad...

+++closed...+++

for years i have argued that my life contained no meaning...that i would be better off dead...that my existence was nothing more than an irritating little spot on God's grand plan...

but i received my moment of clarity...

tonight...and for tonight only...i think...i have found what i was looking for...my moment of clarity came to me...

dosed in alcohol...hearing nothing but the silence of my thoughts...i looked around...and i found purpose...

purpose and meaning...

+++

but i lost it when i went and played a few rounds of 9-ball...

tough luck...

+++

jlyn had a great 18th birthday...it was nice...great food...got to see old friends...from my grade school years...from my high school years...it was nice...

eastwood was a really comfortable place to roam around in...it had this market feel but retained a impeccable sense of class in its shops...

+++

the bar closed at about 10...nobody got anymore drinks after that...i went to starbucks and bought my very first ice mocha...it was nothing special...just nescafe with mocha flavor placed inside a fancy starbucks short order cup...and it cost 85p...the same price of a typical feast at a carinderia...

+++

my head hurts...i think its from my sadness...my infinite madness...and my glorious moment of clarity lost to a few rounds of 9-ball...

a few rounds of 9-ball...

ok...maybe a lot of 9-ball... ;)

+++

Friday, January 07, 2005

water falling...


this is exactly why i don't go swimming...i have this fear that i would either drown or the sea would hunt me down...++let's pray for the souls of the victims of the tsunami...may those left live better lives and may those who have passed find the eternal bliss of heaven..++.
copyright krucifixion87

Courtship.Noun.Flirtation.Wooing. To court. To flirt. To woo.

here's something i cracked at when my first semester english teacher gave us an assignment...she gave me a pretty ugly grade for this one...

+++

The courtship system present in my locality is pretty common. Boys get together with girls via mutual acquaintances and start a “barkada”. The next thing you know, two members of the opposite sex have gotten close over time and proceed to exercise the pros and cons of a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

This trend is almost uniform to the locality for the past 20 or so years generations though there is strong evidence citing that traditional courting (with the parents involved) was so nonchalant and too proper that it died a horrible death in the 60s. But there are also a few bachelors who still believe in being pedantic with their methods and consider traditional courting a powerful weapon in winning the girl over minus the “parents” part.

There are also ladies, those who thrive in loneliness, who take it to the extremes as they court the gentlemen, though a rough a majority follows the general “barkada” trend.

The next level after the acquaintance and early relationship is either the break-up, wherein the girl or boy cries his or her heart out because their partner either finds someone “better” or has just gotten tired of their petty games, or the entrance of the “true love” equation.

This equation, as I would like to refer to it, completely undermines logic and reason with the feeling of “eternity” rushing through the couples’ bloodstream. It is good feeling but fools fall prey to its disastrous consequences many, many times over.

This equation’s occurrence is considered by many in my locality as a once in a blue moon experience in its modern reality though I believe I can prove that it can happen more often if only the parties involved would listen to their hearts rather than their minds…but I am quickly cut off as I realize Romeo and Juliet were overwhelmed with their hearts and died because of their feeling’s huge effect on their actions.

{How It All Happens…}

It all starts with the most subtle glance. A few “hi”s and “hello”s later, after hanging out night after night, they’re holding hands, maybe even giving out kisses on the cheeks.

Then comes the part when the boy or girl confesses his/her feelings and the courting begins.

After awhile, the prey gives up chase and drops the biggest bomb on the predator’s ears: an uplifting “Yes”…or a resounding “No”.

First, the “No”. More often, it is the girl who shakes her head in disapproval of the upcoming relationship, and more often the guy just shrugs it off and continues with his life. But then there are the rare cases where Cupid just might have a overdone the love potion planted on his arrow and the guy threatens to commit suicide, burn his house, kill the girl, kill his friends, cut his wrist, or go totally insane. In the rare cases where the girl gets the “No”, these ladies just do as the boys do…

Now, the “Yes”. Outstanding. Over the hurdle and prancing on green pastures. The couple relishes the relationship and they either go the marathon mile and head for the church isle or drop it somewhere in the middle and kill their sweetness.

After the break-up, if it does ensue the H.H.W.W.P.S.S.P. (Holding Hands While Walking Pa-sway-sway Pa) times of the relationship, they either become bitter enemies or remain the cuddliest of friends. Most of the time, it is the latter, according to my experience.

That’s basically how its done around where I’m from. And basically, that’s how the world does it, too…what a coincidence.

If you haven’t noticed, since the feverish attempts at globalization, the world has succumbed to the ideas of the superpowers, even in the subject of courtship. Most countries nowadays, especially those countries who look up to nations such as America, France, the UK, etc, have adopted Westernized ways of living, and the system of courtship not being exempted.

It is only fitting that, even in my area, this type of practice is not alienated.

+++

tomorrow i attend a debut...somewhere in libis...god, i still have to find it...oh, and what will i wear?!?!!

+++

on sunday, i'm gonna jam with some friends of my friend...they're looking for a bassist, so i told my friend i'd want to apply since i'm presently out of things to do... ;)

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

alone...again...


senti mode...hatori sohma...
copyright krucifixion87

Monday, January 03, 2005

corners of her mynd...

this was a little piece i did when i was in my junior year of high school...i think its crap, but hey...i got nothing else post...so, please bear with me...


+++

For so long my life’s been sown up tight inside your hold. And it leaves me there without a place to call my own.

I know now what shadows can see; there’s no point in running unless I run from you. Because at the distance, through the open door…before you cut me down.

So again, let me introduce to my end.

I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings; it always leads me back to suffering. And I will soar until the wind sets me down; it leaves me beating down on my own ground again.

So tired now of paying my dues; I start out strong but then I always lose. Because at the distance, before you leave me behind…it’s all such a waste of time.

Because I’m shackled and you won’t believe. All my rapture, has gone down with the “me” you’ve cut down. Now deep inside, you will bleed for me. Bleed…

So here I slave inside of a broken dream, the river holding on, careful not to split the sea.

So take your peace and leave me alone to die, don’t need you to keep my faith and hope alive.

Though, I know now what trouble can be and why it follows me so easily, I still can’t turn away, until you give up and bleed for me…You will bleed. You’ll see.

It’s taken much too long to get it right. Would it be so wrong to maybe find someone? A miracle?

And all I really need is everything I could never be. And so give it all for a miracle.

Is there a trace inside a face of a lonely miracle? And so I wait and lie awake for a lonely miracle.

I’d never really know what it is not until it goes. But if it comes again. It’s a miracle.

Could he bring it all? Is he my miracle?

Because all I wanted was him. All I needed was a miracle. And all I wanted was a life; all I wanted was another night…with you. All I needed was a miracle.

Are you my miracle? Is she my miracle? You, the lady in white? Are you her? My miracle? Please, let it be you…the one I’ve been waiting for so long to bring me to him again…

Now I’m afraid I’m starting to feel. What is there I would not do? But the last time really hurt me…

I’m scared to fall in love. Afraid to love so fast. Because last time I fell in love it ran away so fast. It never did, ever did last.

And my tea’s gone cold and I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all. The stormy rain clouds up my window; can’t see a thing at all. And even if I could let my day be gray, I put your picture on my mind, and that reminds me that it’s not so bad. It can’t be so bad.

Every whisper of every waking hour, I’m losing my conventions.

That’s me in the corner. That’s me under the dark light losing my conventions. Trying to keep up with you, whoever you may be. And I don’t know if I can do it.

I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing.

I think I thought you brought my salvation.

But you did…didn’t you…

Oh no…I see, this spider web is tangled up with me. And I lost my head. And thought of the stupid things I’d said…to me.

Oh no…What’s this? A spider web and I’m caught in the middle, swirling, trying to get free. So I turn to run, even though I can’t break free from this denial. And thought of all the stupid things I’ve done…to me.

The space between the tears I cry is the laughter that keeps me coming back for more. The space between the wicked lies I tell and hope to keep safe from the pain…my reality creeps back in.

We’re strange allies, you and me, Reality. With warring hearts…what an uncontrollable wild-eyed beast you are…

The space between where I’m smiling high is where you’ll find if I get to go. The space between the bullets in our bloody fight is where you’ll be hiding waiting for me.

The rain that falls; splash in my heart ran like sadness down the window into my room.

Don’t take my hand! I don’t walk anymore. I don’t want to get out of here. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you. Just him.

For love is all I need here.

The space between what’s wrong and right is s where you’ll find me hiding waiting for you.

The space between his heart and mine…is the space you’ll fill with time.

+++

if you'd already noticed...i put up some of my favorite lyrics from songs and compiled and edited them into this hobgosh of thoughts from a "supposed" cinderella figure...hope you liked it...it got me a pretty decent grade from my english teacher in my junior year...

Sunday, January 02, 2005

[Bangon] yes i can write in Filipino, too...

Nakakahiya ang Pilipinas. Tayo’y isang matandang pulubi na nagiisip kung paano yayaman sa tuktok ng isang bundok ng ginto. Sayang na sayang. Perlas ng Silanganan o Hinihingal at Namumulubing Juan dela Cruz? Ano kaya ang mas bagay sa atin ngayon?

Katorse prosyento na ng mga maaaring magtrabaho ang walang trabaho, ayon sa pinakabagong ulat ng NSO. Natatakot na ang mga turista na pumunta dito dahil pinagaakalaan tayo na nagpapatira ng mga terorista. Bumabagsak na ang lokal na ekonomiya dahil sa pagdagsa ng mga iligal na bilihin mula iba’t-ibang parte ng mundo; mas mura na sila, wala pa silang binabayaran na buwis.

Paano na ang mga gustong magtrabaho? Ang ating idustriya ng turismo? Ang lokal na ekonomiya? Pababayaan na lang ba nating lalo pa tayong bumagsak?

Kailangan ng pagkilos. Kailangan na ng aksyon. Panahon na upang labanan ang mga kaaway ng ating pagunlad.

Panahon na ng pagbabago. Panahon na upang bumangon sa maagang libingang ating hinukay para sa ating bayan. Panahon na upang gumising sa realidad ng bumubulusok na ekonomiya ng mundo. Ayon nga kela Roco at Villanuava, “May pag-asa pa ang Pilipinas, kaya’t bangon Pilipinas. Bangon…”

+++

that was a little piece i wrote for myself during my first semester in college...i gave it an ok delivery and everybody was happy...it was only for 2 minutes, but it seemed to last longer...

a big thank you goes to those who actually took my bribe and applauded after my presentation... ;-)


[Rising Beyond Global Challenges Thru Quality Philippine Statistics] a declamation

Times have changed. The world is being shaken up by terrorism. The country’s economy is falling apart. Filipinos everywhere are losing hope, losing faith in a nation once held by a core of patriots and their values, a nation once an economic tiger prowling Southeast Asia, a nation, now no more than a mouse.

The populace has little faith left. And the little faith they have is losing to doubt because of the corruption, because of the crime, because of the injustices plaguing are land today.

But let us not dwell within the caverns of our lowest points. Let us give each other hope. Let us renew our faith, our faith in a country that was once great and can be great again.

Everyone knows, the way to progress and competitiveness will not be easy and the journey will be perilous, but luckily we have a notion of our destination and a notion of the challenges that stand in our way.

The challenge is globalization. The challenge is terrorism. The challenge is the dwindling economy.

These challenges are present is in our day to day lives.

These are the days that we must rise up and take charge of our situation. These are the obstructions put up by the world to test its inhabitants. We, as a strong and vibrant nation, must take these obstacles head on.

Gone are the days that we may rest on our laurels and await for the fruit to drop from the tree. Gone are the days that we may sit back, relax, and enjoy the beauty of life. The world is slowly passing us by as we remain beggars on our sad little archipelago, sitting on a mountain of gold.

It’s time to take the wheel. It’s time to claim the driver’s seat. It’s time to drive our country to the promised land of milk and honey.

But then again, we still have to go to the gas station and get a full tank.

Our fuel? Simple. Statistics.

Statistics is at the heart of any true progressive result. Governments need it. Politicians need it. And the citizens need it – it holds governments accountable for their actions and their results. Think of it as a barometer of success or failure for campaign promises or a thermometer of our economic situation.

Statistics is the weighing scale of balanced development. Slow growth, low educational achievement, poor health, and civil disturbances are all accounted for when statistics enters the fold.

It helps identify the problem spots so that we may take the action necessary for those warts in our policies or agendas to fade away.

Just like the wart called poverty. How can we defeat this unforgiving adversary? We measure him up first. We take a look at the damage done or the damage that will be done. We assess the situation.

As of now our country has 14.6 percent of its population earning less than a dollar everyday...and this is according to the latest data of the United Nations. Just think, we have the largest chunk of poor in all of Southeast Asia. Still a tiger? The statistic doesn’t think so.

What about the lump of youth unemployment, the thorn in the side of the fresh graduates in the 15-24 age bracket, hopeful of the bright future their country will ideally offer them?

Unfortunately, still more bad news. From 1997 to 2001, from 15.7 percent to 21.2 percent to an improvement of 19 percent, our graduates are not getting the jobs they deserve or better yet they’re not getting any at all. No wonder they seek greener pastures in foreign lands. No wonder they succumb to the green buck rather than listen to beat of their patriotic hearts.

How ironic is this to a country that boasts a 99 percent literacy rate among the population?

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Development is in itself a challenge, though it is also goal. It is the challenge to rise above all our challenges as it is the sweetest prize of crossing the finish line unscathed.

It’s what everyone needs. But it’s not what everyone gets.

We need it. We want it. So, here’s how we get it.

We must organize our data gathering bodies. We must intensify the compilation for nationally and internationally relevant data because as one minister of finance has put it, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.”

Bottom line: we need good quality statistics.

And we must take heed of the warning sirens, going off with the discovery of dreadful figures like the poverty rate or the unemployment rate for looming beyond is the abyss of a national breakdown, a national crisis. If we are not careful we will become the first fourth world country. And that’s not a pretty thought.

But we will prevail. There is always a bright side. There is always that soft but soulful growl of a tiger. There is always some faith left.

There is always that pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. All we have to do is follow it. Follow the hue of numbers and points. Follow accurate sums and differences, products and quotients.

Just follow our statistics. It will pave the way for a better and brighter Philippines.

+++

that was a piece i did for some high school student who just didn't listen to my advice...he dismantled the piece...wrote his own disasterpiece...and went down in flames...

tough luck...

+++

Saturday, January 01, 2005

i am sorry...

life is precious…it’s sad that everybody will eventually die…it’s sad that people close to you will meet their fate at the most unpleasant times…at the most unexpected instances…

+++

a close friend of my family died today…i saw her before Christmas, in good spirits, managing a smile from her face…but today was her day and i guess God wanted her to come up to heaven…

to end her suffering…and to meet her destiny with Him…

i am sorry that i didn’t get to see her when the doctors said her health was improving…i am sorry that i am alive here typing this out while she has been separated from the ones she held dear to her life…

But i am happy because she is with God now…in the eternal bliss of heaven…with all the angels…singing her name…

i will miss her smile…

+++

i am sorry…

its a beautiful sky today...


its a new year everyone...new stuff to try...new challenges to accept and conquer...its going to be a beautiful sky later...let's all go out and look at it...provided that its not going to rain... ;p
copyright krucifixion87