i push my fingers into my eyes...

long time part 2...

2006-08-03T21:21:00.000+08:00

seeing the world with open eyes...

+++

duh...how else could you see the world, dumbass...

+++

ding dong...

+++

oh look, another gig...yeba...

+++

purple haze tomas morato...tonight...featuring...ummm...bands that play for free!

+++

i'm still inclined to kick your ass, yeah...you know who the efff you are, you pitchy mothereffer...

and you can kiss my ass too...

+++

gone are the days of carefree belongingness...

+++

here to stay...

internet cafe...

2006-02-23T11:39:00.000+08:00

well, well, well...look do we have here...

+++

pretending to be smartness ah...you stupid son of a woman...

+++

there's going to be a gig later...at kolumn bar...again...hopefully i would be able to figure out what's wrong with my borrowed Aria ADT-1...hopefully...

its either that or i use the gain on the marshall amp...

+++

another gig will be happening tomorrow at greenview or greenleaf or greenvine at M.H. del Pilar...like anyone's going to watch me anyway...

+++

and another one at asylum bar at tomas morato corner e. rodriduez on saturday...the one beside a beerhouse...across the gas station...woohhoooo...

+++

and on monday (cross your fingers) the band might be at breakfast on studio 23 playing some ska song for the benefit of Tado's BigTT productions...yahoo...

+++

hey you...yes you...the both of you...come her...!!!

waiting...[again]

2006-02-22T19:48:00.000+08:00

loudness...

softness...

gigness...

shyness...

haay...

boredness...

long time...

2006-02-14T12:09:00.001+08:00

long time, no post...

well, well, well...look do we have here...the prodigal son's back for more revenge...

+++

i am now a member of sporenee...well, actually, i became a regular last year...

i've collaborated on some songs and even made myself musically useful for a change...

wow...

still, i feel some bitterness from where i was before...all the more now that i've purchased a worn down bass guitar...

+++

and yeah, it's valentine's day...and i'm inside the library...probably the last place in the world i would be typing some ode to myself...

and yet, here i am...

+++

updates to follow...

+++

definitely have to change my blog skin...i've been talking about that for quite some time now but i haven't really any time to do it...

:::entry N:::

2005-10-13T10:21:00.000+08:00

the name of doom...kashato shirts...its a practice set for the novice accountant...too bad i'm not a novice accountant...i'm far, far worse...

i have 2 tests today...ms office...then ms office lab...and then some...

boring...

it'll be just the three of us in the studio today ( provided that dwayne's studio is open)...jamming to the white stripes and silverchair...there will be no bassist...how sad...

gig's on oct. 16...if you can, please come...i'll drain 150 pesos of your money for crappy music that'll never get heard outside bars and slum areas...

ding...time's up...

seph's watching corpse bride...lois is at her dorm...timo's in outer space...jeff's kickin' someone's butt...emil's attending to jenny...and i'm still worried about kashato shirts, the gig on sunday, and how nashi's doing right now...

dammit...

:::there is a dim reality facing me today:::

2005-10-06T17:06:00.000+08:00

i smile even though i know now that i shouldn't be smiling...

dammit...my head hurts...

its cold inside the laboratory...

its colder inside our broken down refrigerator...

there's going to be a barrage of tests next week...

dammit...my head will hurt even more...

there's a chill down my spine...

its cold...

the sun is not shining...

this isn't funny anymore...

:::bing:::ding:::kring kring::::

2005-10-04T19:40:00.000+08:00

there are still some things in life i cannot get around...

dammit...

my head hurts...

listening to red hot chili peppers...

wondering how i'd fund the demo...

our songs suck anyway...

dammit...

my head hurts...

ding....

look a bird flying thru the air...

rebellion kills...

revolution liberates...

rats smell...

there is no justice in this world...

i know...

trust me, i know...

it'll be you and me...

up in the trees...

and forest will give us the answer/s...

bored...

confused...

alienated...

pull it...

bang....

::bored and fluffy::

2005-09-27T13:37:00.000+08:00

there is an abnormal computer technician that lingers around the college. he's about 5'4, 190 lbs, and has a receding hairline.

there's nothing more i can say about him other than he looks like a pedophile. you know, the child molester-kind. he has this certain look in his eyes that cry out, "i will rape you", or "you look delicious".

makes hairs stand at attention.

scary.

+++

i got an 83 for a presentation that took me a good number of minutes to accomplish. i timed the effects to a single music track. and i got an 83.

my classmates got a 94 for a presentation that took me 10 seconds to make. there was this one looping sound in the background. also, the pictures included in the presentation were mine, as with the timing and the effects. and he got a 94.

twisted little world, noh?

+++

bikoi, my chubby little friend formerly of quezon city science high school, the regional science high school for the national capital region, which really doesn't live up to its name, texted me last night.

wanted to know my schedule.

i happily obliged.

+++

my girlfriend, ma. katrina quimel gonzales, prayed the rosary last night with her grandmother who came home from abroad. i was reminded to make a courtesy call one of these days to her.

...::day n to the x::...

2005-08-29T19:41:00.000+08:00

its been quite a day...

i am no longer the bassist of Cybelle's Robe and i wish them all the best in the world...

master mhar has also left Twilight Run and the band and i hope that he deals with whatever he has to deal with at this point in his life...we wish him the best...

tomorrow'll be another day...

it'll all be ok...

::the storm story:::

2005-07-24T22:01:00.000+08:00

--Author Unknown

After a few of the usual Sunday evening hymns, the
church's Pastor slowly stood up, walked over to the
pulpit and, before he gave his sermon for the
evening, briefly introduced a guest Minister who
was in the service that evening. In the introduction,
the Pastor told the congregation that the guest
Minister was one of his dearest childhood friends
and that he wanted him to have a few moments to
greet the church and share whatever he felt would
be appropriate for the service. With that, the elderly
gentleman stepped up to the pulpit and began to
speak.

"A father, and his son, and a friend of his son were
sailing off the Pacific coast," he began... "when a
fast storm blocked any attempt to get back to the
shore. The waves were so high, even though the
father was an experienced sailor, he could not
keep the boat upright and the three were swept into
the ocean as the boat capsized."

The old man hesitated for a moment, making eye
contact with two teenagers who were, for the first
time since the service began, looking somewhat
interested in his story. The aged minister continued
with his story...

"Grabbing a rescue line, the father had to make the
most excruciating decision of his life: to which boy
would he throw the end of the life line? He had only
seconds to make the decision. The father knew
that his son was a Christian and he also knew that
his son's friend was not. The agony of his decision
could not be matched by the torrent of waves.

As the father yelled out 'I Love You, Son!' he threw
out the life line to his son's friend. By the time the
father had pulled the friend back to the capsized
boat his son had disappeared beneath the raging
swells into the black night. His body was never
recovered," the old man said sadly.

By this time, the two teenagers were sitting up
straight in the pew, anxiously waiting for the next
words to come out of the old Minister's mouth.

"The father," he continued, "knew his son would
step into eternity with Jesus and he could not bear
the thought of his son's friend stepping into an
eternity without Jesus. Therefore, he sacrificed is
son to save the son's friend. How great is the love
of God that he should do the same for us? Our
Heavenly Father sacrificed His only begotten Son
so that we could be saved. I urge you to accept His
offer to rescue you and take hold of the life line He
is throwing out to you in this service."

With that, the old man turned and sat back down in
his chair as silence filled the room. The Pastor
again walked slowly to the pulpit and delivered a
brief sermon with an invitation at the end. However,
no one responded to the appeal. But, within
moments after the service ended, the two boys
were at the old man's side.

"That was a nice story," politely stated one of the
boys, "but, I don't think it was very realistic for a
father to give up his only son's life in hopes
that the
other would become a Christian."

"Well, you've got a point there," the old man
replied, glancing down at his worn Bible. As a big
smile broadened his narrow face, he looked up
again at the boys and said, "It sure isn't very
realistic, is it? But, I'm here today to tell you this
story gives me a glimpse of what it must have been
like for God to give up His only Son for me. You
see... I was that father, and your Pastor is my
son's friend."

::::thank you 4 the venom:::

2005-07-24T12:59:00.000+08:00

Sister, I'm not much a poet, but a criminal
And you never had a chance
Love it, or leave it, you can't understand
A pretty face, but you do so carry on,
and on,
and on...

I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me
I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on,
and on,
and on,
and on...
Love is the red of the rose on your coffin door
What's life like, bleeding on the floor,
the floor,
the floor...

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
Give me a reason to believe

So give me all your poison
And give me all your pills
And give me all your hopeless hearts
And make me ill
You're running after something
That you'll never kill
If this is what you want
Then fire at will

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one,
and one,
and one,
and one...

You'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
You wanna follow something
Give me a better cause to lead
Just give me what I need
Give me a reason to believe

[july 12]

2005-07-12T08:43:00.000+08:00

significance?

**none...

time?

**8:44...

morning or night?

**morning...

hour?

**8...sinabi na nga yung time e...

minutes?

**pucha nakikinig ka ba?

time?

**binge...!

ok, let's begin...

**let's begin mo yang mukha mo...

are you addicted to drugs?

**multivitamins...

no, i mean, addictive drugs...

**multivitamins nga...

do you consider yourself a genius?

**yes...

on what terms?

**puta, maniwala ka na lang...dami mong tanong...

do you believe in God?

**...yes...

capital punishment?

**yes...

a state of balance?

**yes...

should Gloria step down?

**tangina, bahala siya...basta ako gusto ko pumasok...

:::living in your letters:::

2005-07-11T20:18:00.000+08:00

(;)dashboard confessional(;)

I'm always assuming the worst,
but you're going on none the less
& there's nothing to cusion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away
keep pulling me close to home.
And there's something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for
longer good-byes
embracing for forever
and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you & I can't be
without that scent. It's filling me
with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
& you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you.
Phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever
& so do you and I.

So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
& head on my way up there.
Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten

chapter1.0

2005-07-03T22:33:00.000+08:00

haay...

+++

i do like what i'm doing in my life...the answer is balance...everything is balance...balance is everything...its time to do it...whatever the hell it is...

+++

bang go the guitars...strum go the drums...the twilight run ep is almost set...and so am i...

+++

i'd like to go on record as being the stupidest stupid person in the world...

+++

new face...

+++

bang bang band band...whoopdee doo...

+++

i have no idea why i'm wasting such good internet time on writing this shit...

unknown...

2005-06-29T23:29:00.000+08:00

the script's done...

next one's under way...

haay...

i am older...

+++

master tremonti...an underrated musician...

i idolize the man...too bad i'll never be like him...

for all i got...is all i have...

2005-06-28T14:07:00.000+08:00

older...

+++

10 hours away from another start of another year with another set goals that will never be accomplished, never be realized...

life's a bitch when you at it...just when you're getting on to something...that something goes so far away...away...away...fuck...

one zero one zero one...the language of the blind...the dumb...the idiotic mob that seizes the smouldering mass of political assholes roaming the country...

+++

now, i'm allowed to curse...yipey ka yayey...

+++

cocksucker...yeah, you heard me right, dipshit...i'm talkin' to you, you slime bag, meat eating, fuck...i'm getting older and i want you to know that you're nothing but a lying piece of shit, walking around in a body that will rot eventually...

fuck you...i'm 18...

+++

the rain stopped at around 12 am...i didn't care, i was half asleep anyway...done watching reruns of crappy reality shows with insipid prizes of love and the like...

love or a million bucks...the answer is so economical...so baduy, if you will...

love for your heart...the million for your pocket...love never dies but the million will eventually be dwindled into nothingness...

so pick love, and enjoy working for the million the rest of your natural life...

fuck off...what do you know...

+++

in a few minutes, i'm going to be programming again...again...and again...

i've lost the taste for these languages that i will never understand...printf, scanf, rand(), whatever...who cares?

i'll probably get a dead end desk job when i graduate anyway...either that or i release my brilliant compilation of poems or songs or my novel that will never be done...

+++

textcolor(RED);
getch(); the fuck outta my printf("face"); cprintf("asshole");

+++

life is too short to waste on a bunch of numbers and codes...

quote of the day when the world ended but didn't really anyway so it just goes to show you how much bullshit we allow ourselves to get sucked into...

2005-06-27T09:34:00.000+08:00

"what we stand for is all our souls' worth...and all our souls' worth is everything..."

::limping::

2005-06-26T22:19:00.000+08:00

the ust e-leap server is down...hell, i knew it...they've been hacked by terrorists...

+_+_+

one week is left before all goes back to the way it was before the beginning of the timeline...the only music i shall hear thereafter will be music from other people's mouths, instruments, and records...damn, i need to record that 8-track album...dammit, it's raining

+++

how can a man fly if he has no wings
how can a chicken run without feet
how can a person be so connivingly evil
how can one play music without soul

+++

fuck you...i'm turning 18...

***

asterisk, asterisk, llama, llama, duck...go to hell mother fucker...its time to pay the piper...llama, llama, duck...

*-()-()-()-*

the rain she pours...

iCs logo

2005-06-25T08:43:00.002+08:00

ICS logo...an activity...it'll probably get something like an 85 or something...

basura...

there was a gig last night..i didn't tell my mom...yehey...

i played with ester, mar, and jeff...played out you're a god, mata, the carnival song, and you oughta know...

i'm into negotiations to record a cd next week so we can release it on the july 5 gig at gasoline alley...which coincidentally is my last gig with any band for the remainder of my natural life...

that's probably an exaggeration but hey...keep your fingers crossed...

of time and love...

2005-05-16T19:58:00.000+08:00

One day it was announced to all of the
feelings that
the island was
going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the
feelings
prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only
one that stayed. She
wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last
possible
moment. When the island was almost totally
under, love decided it was
time to leave. She began looking for someone to
ask for help.

Just then Richness was passing by in a grand
boat. Love
asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your
boat?" Richness
answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of
silver and
gold on my
boat and there would be no room for you
anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was
passing in a
beautiful vessel. Love cried out,"Vanity, help me
please." "I can't
help you", Vanity said, "You are all wet and will
damage my beautiful
boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love
said, "Sadness, please let me go with you."
Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just
need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried
out, "Happiness, please take me
with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he
didn't hear Love
calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice
say, "Come Love, I will
take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so
blessed and
overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his
name. When they
arrived on land, the elder went on his way. Love
realized how much
she owed the elder.

Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was
it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge
answered. "But why did Time help me when no one
else would?", Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and
sincerity,
answered, "Because only Time is capable of
understanding how great
Love is."

:::::good evening to the sun:::

2005-05-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

i just told stephen to get out of the box...

who the f*ck am i kidding? i live inside a smaller box...i live inside a hole...inside the box...inside a cage...inside a chest...beneath the sea...

i trying to burst out into the world, but nothing seems to be working...

dammit...i'm getting old...the lines on my face becoming clearer now...my weariness is becoming more obvious...my oblivion to these things is fading...dammit...

dormitory...breaks down into two words...namely...dirty room...

its 11:27 pm...checked out my friendster account...bikoi is having her birthday...i made her a birthday testimonial but she hasn't approved it yet...

i went to cybellesrobe.blogspot.com a few nights ago...wrote a message with the name francis...addressed it faye...funny...

i made a song today...but i can't believe i've forgotten it already...damn, my selective tune memory...

God is good...we are good...so, we are God? ...the stupidest thing i've ever f*cking heard...

its 11:30 pm...time to go to sleep...goodnight...so long...and goodnight...

boredom

2005-05-05T10:46:00.000+08:00

my head hurts from the many hours i've spent in front of the computer screen doing absolutely nothing...

my posts here have come once in a blue moon and they've gotten shorter...and shorter...and shorter...

my mind is wasting away...

God help me...

pissed off again...

2005-04-27T15:00:00.000+08:00

i am so pissed off right now...

i can't believe how little privacy you can get with other people in the house...

i like solitude...i like quiet...

fuck these people for messing up their lives and giving me a headache...

~ooooohhhhh.....~

2005-04-15T16:09:00.000+08:00

DO FINGERS GROW BACK?

A man came out of his home to admire his new
truck. To his puzzlement, his
three-year-old son was happily hammering dents
into
the shiny paint. The man ran to his son,
knocked him away, hammered the little boy's
hands
into a pulp as punishment. When the
father calmed down, he rushed his son to the
hospital.

Although the doctor tried desperately to save the
crushed bones, he finally
had to amputate cut-off) the fingers from both the
boy's hands. When the boy woke up
from the surgery and saw his bandaged stubs, he
innocently said, "Daddy, I'm sorry about your
truck." Then he asked, "Daddy? When are my
fingers
going to grow back?"

The father went home...and committed suicide.

Think about the story the next time you see
someone
spilled milk at a
dinner table or hear a baby cry. Think first before
you
lose your patience and become angry

with someone you love. Trucks can be repaired.
Broken bones and hurt feelings often cannot. Too
often we fail to recognize
the difference between the person and the
performance. People make mistakes. We

are allowed to make mistakes. But the actions we
take
while in a rage will haunt us forever. Pause and
ponder. Think before you act.

Be patient.

Always remember:

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY, BUT
YOU
HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE CRUEL...
UNDERSTAND AND LOVE.

"IN YOUR ANGER, DO NOT SIN." (Ephesians 4:26)

:::i'm comin' out of my cage:::

2005-04-08T14:36:00.000+08:00

mr. brightside by the killers

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...

2005-04-06T19:03:00.000+08:00

f.u.
copyright krucifixion87

meaningful readings

2005-04-06T18:51:00.000+08:00

A rose within

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully,
and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud
that would soon blossom and also the thorns. And he
thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant
burdened with so many sharp thorns?" Saddened by this
thought, he neglected to water the rose, and before it
was ready to bloom, it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a
rose. The God like qualities planted in us a birth grow
amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves
and see only the thorns, the defects. We despair, thinking
that nothing good can possible come from us. We neglect to
water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never
realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone
else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person
can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find
the rose within others. This is the characteristic of love,
to look at a person, and knowing his faults, recognize the
nobility in his soul, and help him realize that he can overcome
his faults. If we show him the rose, he will conquer the thorns.
Then will he blossom, blooming forth thirty, sixty, a
hundred-fold as it is given to him.

Our duty in this world is to help others by showing them their
roses and not their thorns. Only then can we achieve the love
we should feel for each other; only then can we bloom in our
own garden.

something someone wrote sometime ago...

2005-04-05T20:44:00.000+08:00

The Hole by Anon.

Two brothers once decided to dig a deep hole behind their house.
As they were working, a couple of other boys stopped by to watch.

"What are you doing?" asked one of the visitors.

"We're going to dig a hole all the way through the earth!" one of
the brothers volunteered excitedly.

The other boys began to laugh, telling the brothers that digging
a hole all the way through the earth was impossible. After a
long silence, one of the diggers picked up a jar full of spiders,
worms, insects and interesting stones. He removed the lid
and showed the wonderful contents to the scoffing visitors.

Then he said confidently, "Even if we don't dig all the way
through the earth, look what we found along the way!"

Their goal was far too ambitious, but it did cause them to dig.
That is what a goal is for, to cause us to move in the direction
we have chosen. In other words, to set us to digging!

But not every goal will be fully achieved. Not every job will end
successfully. Not every relationship will endure. Not every hope
will come to pass. Not every love will last. Not every endeavor
will be completed. Not every dream will be realized.

But when you fall short of your aim, perhaps you can say,
"Yes, but look at what I found along the way!
Look at the wonderful things which have come into my life
because I tried to do something!"

It is in the digging that life is lived, and it is the joy in
the journey that truly matters!

:::burn it down:::

2005-03-24T14:21:00.000+08:00

Drank so much last night
I think that I drowned
But now my cup is empty
No one has seen my will around
Now my heart is aching
Sometimes I fall asleep for days
but my bed is empty
I know I’m too set in my ways
Tell ‘em all I’m Okay

So burn it down
Discover the dusk
of your day has reached it’s dawn
So burn it down
remember to find a new way
to carry on

Flew so high last night
I think that I fell
to the ground so heavy
Woke up to find this living hell
It used to be so easy
Hard to tell my nights
now from my days
The curtains hide my feelings
Don’t feel I have any right to pray
And will they find me someday
Someday

So burn it down
Discover the dusk
of your day has reached it’s dawn
So burn it down
remember to find a new way
to carry on
So burn it down
Discover the dusk
of your day has reached it’s dawn
So burn it down
remember to find a new way
to carry on

And whatever takes us away
Will be the same to drive us on
And whatever takes us away
will be the same to drive us on
Remember to find a new way
A way to see it all
It’s finally slipping away
Soon it will be gone
Remember to find a new day
Remember to carry on

an unfortunate event

2005-03-12T17:58:00.000+08:00

people die everyday...

but its not everyday someone you know just goes poof from the world...

+++

its sad to think that the people you know, the people you've shook hands, played games, eaten food with, will just leave this world and leave you wondering why they went...

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God's great plan...sure...

+++

it's all part of the system...sure...

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somebody i knew died recently...and to think that i saw her a couple of weeks before...we're not close, mind you...but i knew her for a significant amount of time and i am saddened with her passing...

+++

i am sorry these things have to happen...but everybody's gotta die sometime...everybody's going to have their time to go...

+++

i just hope i live to see what my purpose is...

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{::my immortal::}

2005-03-10T20:50:00.000+08:00

amy lee...evanescence... ;-)
copyright krucifixion87

a picture of a dog

2005-03-02T18:51:00.000+08:00

the dog...the rat...wala lang... ;-)
copyright krucifixion87

....:leaving::...

2005-02-24T16:06:00.000+08:00

...Anywhere...
by Evanescence

Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the morning light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where love is more than just your name

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
So by the mornings light
We'll be half way to anywhere
Where no one needs a reason

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you

Forget this life
Come with me
Don't look back you're safe now
Unlock your heart
Drop your guard
No one's left to stop you now

...::delightful::...

2005-02-16T19:17:00.000+08:00

ever wondered how it would feel to fly?...

+++

i haven't...just crossed my mind, i guess...a random happening...
my synapses are really tired, i think...crap...

+++

the gig went well...the one i had last week with some friends of my friend...they were great...and the audience...well, let me just say they weren't as rowdy as i had hoped...all hail...

+++

the morning of this day was one of the most happiestest mornings of my life...why...

i have no friggin' idea...

+++

writing...biking...boiling...coiling...
enjoying...destroying...annoying...boooiinngg....

+++

}smiling{

isn't it nice to be alive...
to live and breathe and...
be aware that you exist...
alive...
can you see yourself not existing...
of course not...
if you did, you wouldn't even be considering...
the thought of which you could not
possibly explain...
yada...
yada...
yada...

+++

hey, baby...it's your birthday...
we're gonna eat Mcdo...'coz it's your birthday...
you're gonna get Toblerone...'coz it's your birthday...
so, they better give a ****...'coz it's really your birthday...

happy birthday, baby...you're 19...i'm still 17...but it doesn't matter...
i'm only a few months 'til 18 anyway...

i love you...still...

indios bravos...

2005-02-13T09:44:00.000+08:00

los indios bravos...clockwise from left (aaron, seph, timothy, emil, patrick)...taken by loistantric photography, inc...
copyright krucifixion87

yezzz...

2005-02-08T17:03:00.000+08:00

i'll be playing an instrument on thursday...

+++

hope it goes well...

+++

anyway, if you're in the area...its at the freedom bar in anonas...around 10 pm...

+++

this band i'm playing with is kick-ass...and did i mention they're all girls...?

+++

they're awesome...just happy to be jamming with them...

..::damn sure, i'm still not up to my potential::..

2005-02-04T14:50:00.000+08:00

i'm getting sleepy...i didn't think i would be after a whole night of nba live and american idol...but i am...

+++

the computer lab is cool...and i mean that in a literal sense...there is not one square inch heat to be felt here...maybe its because of the grade...dammit...

+++

i need to learn flash...i'm secure...this blog looks like a pretty high tech one...if shown to...say...a 4 year old...

+++

the high and mighty aren't so high and mighty anymore...they have slumped down from their throne and seem to have lost all self esteem...

+++

i'm talking jibberish...

+++

announcement: this will be one of the last days that this template will be active...by next week, hopefully...everything will be set in a new perspective...thank God...it's time to change the look and feel of the andrton blog...

+++

i've had comments about the loading time for the blog and i am working on changing the template this weekend if time allows...

+++

God bless the Philippines...

!kjwan..::time to surface::..kjwan!

2005-01-29T20:06:00.000+08:00

kjwan...masters...go join kjwan_online@yahoogroups.com and spread the word about these exceptional rockers...and check out their gigs...get a copy of the album, too...its great stuff... drop by their site by clicking this link kjwan...or go to the sidebar and click it there...
> FEB 3: mtv asia awards party, fiesta carnival cubao
> FEB 4: la salle taft
> FEB 6: TOWER - Sm North (the garden)
> FEB 11: malolos (malolos sports complex)
> FEB 12: la salle ghills
> FEB 14: UP sunken garden
> FEB 18: PHilippine Science HS
> FEB 19: UP Sunken Garden 97.1 LSFM event
> FEB 20: TOWER ALABANG
> FEB 26: ST SCHO MANILA (99.5 rt event)
> FEB 27: MEGAMALL MEGATRADE HALL
copyright krucifixion87

..::a perfect circle::..

2005-01-29T19:53:00.000+08:00

i almost failed penmanship when i was in grade school...i never seemed to get all that cursive crap they try and feed you just when you're trying to understand your unique handwriting...

i never learned how to draw either...for me, the disfigured circle with lines stemming out of it was the most artistic thing on earth...god, i hate how i can't draw...

+++

the monster my bed called to me again...they wanted me to play another god forsaken set of "you're a god" in my sleep...i twist and turn and ignore there bored wishes...i go back to sleep...and eventually retrace vertical horizon's drum line...

+++

listen by stonefree...heard it a couple of times...never really got to the know song all that well...and it turns out its the common piece in the battle of the bands elimination...god help us...

+++

and we were practicing "love song" all day...how sad...emil won't get to play those smooth bass licks...and jeff (mastah dyep) won't be able to commit to the broken down solo he took on with his monster hands...err, fingers...and poor, poor, poor timmy...how ever far away, i will always love you...i think that's how he sang it...too bad...

+++

the guys at mayrics took our band name (god, did we have to have a name?) and my cell phone number...dear lord, i hope they never contact us...then they mentioned that they offered lessons there too...ooohhh...so does that mean we suck?

+++

i''m pooped...i have taken a poop...but i think i'll poop up the stereo...and listen to come musical poop...

+++

blown away...

2005-01-24T21:03:00.000+08:00

i was looking inside the barrel of a gun...i dared not to flinch because i knew one mistake could mean death...then i glanced at his eyes...those cold dark empty eyes...i saw nothing...a void where nothing could ever exist...no love...no hate...no emotion...

+++

i fixed my eyes back on the barrel...it was dark...almost empty...but i knew there was a bullet inside...waiting to be shot....waiting to be set free...i knew i was going to die...so i went back...

+++

your life doesn't flash before your eyes when you die...it'll be your choice if you want to remember anything before your last breath...all you do...is remember...or forget...which ever you want...

+++

he asks me one more time...do i want to die...i don't answer...i didn't answer before and i'd be damned if i answered him now...i look at his eyes again...now i find meaning, now i find purpose...he was going to kill me...

+++

i dare him to pull the trigger...i open my arms and welcome the bullet...but he grins...and walks away..into the dark...where no one can see him...no one...

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then a shot...a loud bang...ringing...louder...louder...hot...burning...

+++

my body lay on the twisted pavement...my insides splattered...my mind emptied...i was dead...and i knew it...

2005-01-23T15:20:00.000+08:00

you will be punished...says the cool looking guy with the skull written on his sociopath muscle shirt... ;p
copyright krucifixion87

boredom

2005-01-20T17:22:00.000+08:00

i breathe toxic...there is no air inside my room...or my life...

+++

everything is so damn complicated that my neck is being choked right now by the very problems that i have created...

+++

i am complicated...

+++

my tongue is touching my cheek...the world around is crumbling at its feet...and i'm starting to rhyme, now and that's not good...

+++

there is no sense in what your reading so stop it...

+++

i started out with a real good thought but i lost it...and now i'm trying to make a pathetic excuse to humor you while you still continue to waste your time reading this junk...try the archive section...there's some good stuff there if you haven't read them yet...

+++

i am bored...

open your eyes...

2005-01-19T20:14:00.000+08:00

someday...someday...i'm gonna look like that...and play in my own band...and write my own songs...and top the singles charts...and get great looking abs...hmmm, come to think of it, the first few things were a little more realistic than getting the abs.... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

(listen for love)

2005-01-17T18:05:00.000+08:00

somebody forwarded this to me a long time ago...thanks goes to the writer, whoever you are...

+++

"The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you love them."

There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words. We say take care or don't drive too fast or be good. But really, these are just other ways of saying I love you. You are important to me. I care what happens to you. I don't want you to get hurt.

We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.

Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments, which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different.

Any statement of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the statement is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.

A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully - he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.

A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. I was worried about you, the father is saying. Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.

A girl may reprimand a guy to be a better person-- to study well, to stop his vices, to be more responsible and mature in dealing with people, things and situations. He may see her as a person who is trying to control his life-- trying to change his identity. But if he listened carefully, he would have heard the concern disguised under the constant nagging. The girl is afraid to see him pressured into going with the "wrong crowd", afraid to see his potentials go to waste, afraid of his future. But she has failed to express this love more sincerely, for fear of rejection.

We say I love you in many ways- with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone whom has not listened to the love we have tried to express.

The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love, which the other person is using.

A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.

The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the statement on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.

Simon and Garfunkel wrote that very haunting song, The sound of silence. It goes ten thousand people, maybe more. People talking without speaking; people hearing without listening; people writing songs that voices never shared, because no one dared disturb the sound of silence. It is a terrifying picture of our modern world, a world without communication and without love. We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize. Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place, after all.

+++

beautiful...

closure...

2005-01-15T21:10:00.000+08:00

i think what i've been looking for all along is closure...

closure from all that has transpired in the past...

i think if i would be able to grasp that moment, wherein everything else becomes purposeful and the past becomes the past, finally...i would be ok...

closing time...

but i still don't know who i want to take me home... :-(

[[[... i will survive ...]]]

2005-01-15T20:59:00.000+08:00

Good and evil are all too common nowadays. The line is too straightly drawn as right and wrong no longer reside as factions on two opposite sides fighting for position. The battle is now about survival.

Ideally, the right thing must always be done, but realistically, with all the factors of life put into play, with the law of action and reaction present, the wrong thing, sometimes, seems so right just because it could be able to break your fall

If you and a companion were trapped on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket available, what would you do?

Following the path of righteousness, you would give your companion the life jacket and cry your heart out because you just saved another person's life. That would be ideal.

In the real world, we hardly hear of such heroes.

Realistically, you would take the jacket and save your own hide. Sure, it seems like the wrong thing to do since living is all about helping people, doing good, showing your generosity, etc.

But do you think a human being, put on this earth for a limited time only, would cherish the idea of ending the long roller coaster ride called life for the sole purpose of helping another living being?

It may be hard to swallow, but deep inside, you know you would take that jacket. You know you would step on another person to get promoted. You know you would cut in line just to save time and effort. You know you would cheat in an exam to get a higher grade.

Good and evil are no longer what concerns us. The concern has been shifted to, "What can/will/must I do to survive?" Good and evil have become secondary ideals.

+++

syet...philosophical...its kinda scary...don't think i wrote that...i think it was my evil twin brother or something...

..::ed::..

2005-01-13T21:22:00.000+08:00

I watched Ed tonight…it finished a few minutes ago…and as always my heart felt so light, I wanted to burst into tears…

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The main theme of tonight's show was basically honesty…and it hit home…

I realized I haven't been honest to myself for quite some time…about certain things…that I want…that I wish could happen to me…

I thought of the times that I chose to lie…to sway from the truth…the very truth that could make me whole…I thought of the moments when I could've said something true…

I wished I could turn back time…slap my past self in the face…knock some sense into him…and make him do what was right…the honest thing…the right thing…

But then…if I do that…if my wish comes true…then you wouldn't be reading this…because I wouldn't have written it…there would be a different person…asking different questions…making different decisions…that wouldn't be me…

That would me my alternate reality…the result of a thousand ifs and a million thens…

I know now that I am what I am because of my choices…I think how I think because of what was built up inside my head…I am as honest as I am now because this was how I was bred…it can be changed from time to time…but it will always return to its original state…my honesty will decrease and increase given the situation…

+++

I felt sorry for Ed in the episode because it seemed as if he would never get the girl…even though his honesty shone thru and he accepted the fact that she was with another guy…he committed a sacrifice and hid his hurt inside...because he and girl had become such great friends…such close friends…

+++

I felt sympathy for him…I felt empathy…because I know what it's like to not get the girl…and live happily ever after…because you're such great friends…because…

+++

Just friends…

2005-01-13T21:19:00.000+08:00

cool...whatta face...
copyright krucifixion87

definition...

2005-01-13T18:47:00.000+08:00

here's another thingy written ages ago...this was for my supposed entry at Ateneo that did not materialize...boohoo...

+++

Essay Topic: “Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped you to define you as a person?”

Essay Title: Definition

I am no Einstein nor am I an Edison. I am no da Vinci and I am no Michaelangelo. I don’t have any superpowers nor do I expect, in my wildest fantasies, to receive any. I haven’t won the Pulitzer and I wouldn’t dream of even bagging the Nobel. And no I am not the savior of humanity.

I’m just your ordinary guy…I’m a Cancer, if you want to know and one of my luckiest numbers is four…

Though I could safely say that my life has been a little less ordinary than most ordinary guys lives have been.

And I am defined by my life. Whatever has happened to me has become part me. Whoever has crossed my path has either taught me something or allowed me to forget.

Definition One…the Editor-in-Chief

It was definitely a dream come true for me to land the top spot of EIC in our English language school paper the Electron. Though it was something, somehow, I knew coming.

I’ve been active in the school paper since first year, with my first published work “Child of War” (a child’s view point of the raging conflict in Mindanao) and I’ve never stopped writing for the paper. It’s almost like writing is something automatic for me, it can’t be forced, mind you, it can only be turned on and off, providing there are enough batteries to run the machinery.

I’ve bagged a few top 10 finishes in the district, division, regional press conferences and only last year, I brought home the biggest bacon of my writing career: a first place finish in Sports Writing in the Teodoro Valencia Search for Outstanding Campus Journalists (I also finished, as I recall, in the top 2 of the overall winners). Not to undermine the school’s publications, the Electron claimed top prize in the group categories in English while the Filipino bet, Ang Banyuhay, did the same in the Filipino category.

As they say, “…it’s not if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game…” And I’ve learned from those words dozens of times when I didn’t make it to the top or my accomplishments seemed dismal compared to others. I’ve comforted myself by realizing that it is truly a learning experience to lose…but as most people say, “I don’t like it.”

Piloting such a prestigious school paper, with it’s history rich of clutch wins and disappointing losses, is not an easy task. But I thank Mr. Rex San Diego, our school paper adviser, for having faith in my abilities to lead a staff of writers in creating a publication that not only comprises of events that affect our school, but also of the world it resides in.

All of these dimensions considered, in the realm of writing, I am defined by my work, how I present it and by those people who join me in believing in my capabilities as an able writer, who can relate his opinions and his feelings through the effective formation of journalistic and literary works.

Definition Two…the Boyfriend

At present I have a relationship with a former schoolmate, who now continues her studies at the Far Eastern University.

Like most males, being love struck with a certain girl gets us to do some crazy things. I have had my share.

But that isn’t the point. Going crazy over someone and doing the unthinkable just to make her smile or even laugh is not the what defines me.

It’s my overall relationship with her and how she affects me.

She is a very smart girl and I try to be as a smart as her. I strive to do what she does. She constantly becomes my inspiration to study harder, to really understand the things my teachers say that I really don’t care about. She makes me want to understand the world better because she understands it better.

Of course, there is the constant badgering of my parents to always do my best but her entry into my life has made me see not only what my parents want me to become but what she sees in me as a student in a science high school.

She sees in me things I never saw. She makes me want to do better in everything I do. Nothing I do is average anymore; since I met her, everything’s just a tad bit more special.

And most importantly I love her very much, and that is the ultimate drive that made all those things I said above reality.

Definition Three…the Son

I’ve never really understood the concept of father, mother, and child. No matter how I try to rationalize the concept of “family”, I always ended up with this reality that the father is the household utility man and breadwinner, the mother is the household maid and co-breadwinner, and the child is supposed to suck on his pacifier until he is old enough to get an education and then be expected to do a third of the father and mother’s responsibilities (given that they don’t have a maid or what I refer to as the “Inday” factor).

And how did I come up with this reality? Observation.

I observed my own family situation along with all the other family situations whether they be horrible fiction or religious bible fact. And my role as a child, the only child, the only son, gives me quite another interesting definition of the depiction of myself.

For ten solid years now, I stopped sucking on my pacifier when I was six, I’ve been totally convinced of that my conviction that a child is no more than a mindless predator voraciously consuming all its prey (education, I mean) is merely another of my concocted fallacies.

The child, the only child, the only son, along with the education he receives both in the education system and the household system, is not a mindless persona rather a mindful individual who is opening up to the world.

I am a mindful individual opening up to the world.

Six years before I first laid eyes on my first grammar teacher, I couldn’t remember a single event, which goes to show that before education is given to the child he will only respond to certain stimuli because of impulse. But now, all grown up and dubbed a member of the elite sweet sixteen organization, I can remember almost everything and respond to everything else with decision making.

So, I am basically defined to be an individual who sees the world as he is fed education or information and does a third of whatever the mom and the dad does. He is a responsible (hopefully) and reliable (I wish) member of the household and the education system.

Definition Four…the Music Man

I don’t know how to sing…Well, maybe carry a note or two but not really finish a song.

When I was kid, even though my mom could “name that tune in less than 10 minutes” and my dad was knowledgeable with the piano and the guitar, along with Marco Sison’s song Make Believe, I never really paid any attention to music, except that which I heard on the radio, on tape, or on CD.

I never really took the time to find another way to appreciate music; I never considered playing any instrument nor using my voice as a tool to woo girls.

I had a brief stint with the Glee Club when I was in elementary but I entered that club just because I didn’t want to be a boy scout or a sportsman.

Then came high school, the first time I ever held a guitar and the first time I considered touching the piano we have in the house.

It was a learning experience indeed. When I strummed my very first G chord, it sounded like a bunch of metal strings banded together and when I hit my first middle C, it was a B.

Eventually, I got better and mastered the art of “rhythm guitaring”. I also got the hang of the whole right and left hand thing with the piano. And I became a sort-of drummer, while watching my band’s drummer devastate a drum set during our practices.

These days I try to create my own music, my own songs. Though most of them really sound like nursery rhymes or horrible pop songs, I consider them as my greatest musical masterpieces, just because they are my only greatest musical masterpieces.

I am defined by my music, which is basically everything I hear. Whatever I create with the strums of my guitar or with the keys of a piano, reflects my personality, reflects what I feel and what I think about, in basic do-re-mi.

Summation

I am defined by what I do, by what I have become, by all the people who affect me, by the environment that surrounds me. All these things that have happened to me, whether by fate or by faith, whether for better or worse, are all blessings that have helped me enrich my life and provide my soul with the best experiences life has, so far, offered me.

I am ordinary guy with a less than ordinary life, filled with my own theories and beliefs of how writing, relationships, and life work for me and how I, being ever so humble, work for them.

To end, I’d like to quote Helen Keller: “I thank God for my handicaps, for, through them, I have found myself, my work, and my God.”

+++

that piece of shit got me through into the interview...and with flying colors, I passed into Ateneo without a hitch...then i saw the tuition...

my jaw dropped and i preoccupy myself now with the royal and pontifical catholic university known as UST...

end of story...

winter again...

2005-01-12T21:31:00.000+08:00

I woke up. The seasons had yet to change. I found out that everything my heart told me was a lie.

I picked a few flowers outside my stepmother’s garden then hid behind a line of trees separating the garden from the road. I just sat there, beneath the giants losing all their hair, as a cool breeze passed by.

What if I came to him? What if I had just stood there and waited for him to come? Would it have made a difference?

A horse-cart passed by.

He loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…he loves not…

The horse-cart stopped. The horse’s master, a slender man in a blue uniform, came down and ran towards me. I stood up to meet him.

Mail. It was for my stepmother and two stepsisters. The man in blue gave me three letters. Two were bills. The other one was enclosed in a pink envelope.

I had a strange feeling, like butterflies in my stomach, and I suddenly wanted to open the pink letter. But I shouldn’t. Why? No, I have to open it…

One of my stepsisters saw me open the letter past the garden and slapped me immediately.

“Idiot. This is our mail. How dare you open our mail.”

I never spoke. I just cried on that green surface, covered by hundreds of little brown blankets, beneath the trees.

“Now, get back in the house. The cupboards are dusty.”

It was autumn. It would be winter soon.

Winter appalls me.

Night after night, I would hear that music, that beautiful music, and I would see all of them dancing, all those beautiful people, waltzing…Then when the morning came, and I hear the rooster crow, it would all come to an end. My memory would suddenly become bleak. I wouldn’t be able to recall that night, that ball, until night came again. And my dreams would open the cupboard of my mind and take all those things that I keep hidden from myself…like an innocent child picking fruit in the winter.

I could still remember. The snow was falling but the ball was in high gear. It was warm inside that wonderful estate. John Smith was having a ball in honor of his son’s 25th birthday and all the other landowners were invited. My stepmother was one of them.

My two stepsisters were ridiculously dressed and they brought me along as an assistant, a maid. They tried to attract John Smith’s son but they were too ridiculous for any guy to take them seriously. They dragged me all across the dance floor.

By about a quarter to eleven the two succeeded in cornering Allan. Yes, Allan was his name. And they chatted endlessly about themselves and themselves and of course, themselves. I stood behind them, never speaking, like a tree I was, rooted to the ground.

My stepsisters continuously moved their hands and their head back and forth, like the town gossip spreaders and tried again and again to outwit and outmatch the other with flimsy remarks.

Then he saw me. For a moment, and one moment alone. We saw each other. His eyes looking into my mine, his soul being bared through those two lenses.

For one moment, everything was no more. The music. The dancing. My two stepsisters. The ball. Everything was gone. Dropped by the eternity that passed in a second between us.

I couldn’t help but smile. He would walk towards me, past those two. He would. I know.

But he didn’t. It was as if we were both frozen by the winter’s cold outside. It was like we were stuck on floor. And we just stood there, looking into each other’s eyes. For an eternity. For a second.

Then I ran into the dance floor. Into the forest of faces, camouflaged by the leaves.

Forty-five minutes later it was over. The ball. The dancing. The music. My two stepsisters and my stepmother got on a carriage and left me alone, to walk home. They were cruel. They were rotten. Fruits fallen from the tree.

Anne, one of my stepsisters, opened the letter. One of the maids was sweeping the kitchen floor. Dorothy, my other stepsister, was in her room playing some music with her flute. My stepmother was painting by the living room window.

I entered the house, just after I picked out the last petal on the flower.

He loves me.

Anyway, I didn’t believe the flower. It was only just a flower, a colorful illusion, mobbed by bees and hogged by flower shops.

I went to my room, disobeying Anne, and slept.

I wish it was night.

One more day down…one more day with him not caring. What a life I might have known…but he never saw me there.

The letter informed my stepfamily that John Smith was having another ball, a masquerade, at his estate on the first day of spring. All wealthy landowners were once again invited. The purpose of the ball was to find Allan, a wife, for Mr. Smith felt that he was feeling very weak and nearing the end of his rope. He had seen his last winter, he said in the letter, all the sadness had passed.

Of course, my stepsisters and stepmother were already gearing up, going into town, buying all the fine jewelry they could find. They entered the most prestigious shops and bought the most expensive jewelry they could find. Stepmother wanted this ball to be the one.

She could feel it. One of my daughters going to get married, oh joy!

But they decided not to bring the distractions. Only those with fruits from the tree were allowed to come.

My fairy godmother appeared just as we were leaving for the ball. She was wearing a sheet covered in beautiful petals. Her whole being was one joyful season in the making. Her wand was a bark, and her hair a mesh of snow, leaves, and sunshine.

Go to the ball in your finest attire, she said.

I will guide you. You will be free of your stepfamily. You will have a happy family of your own with the Smith’s. You, yourself, will be happy.

Everything dropped from me. My rags dropped to the floor, my doubts, too.

He did see me. Yes, he did. He saw me like his own reflection on a spring pond, crystal and clear.

She placed upon me a beautiful gown of diamonds. And she brought me to the ball, leaving my stepfamily behind. They went their own way.

As I entered the ballroom, I saw him immediately. My fairy godmother had disappeared, leaving me alone in that see of faces.

I was the only one not wearing a mask, yet my very presence caused the whole ballroom to look at me with wonder. Though, I didn’t know why.

Even, Allan looked.

I didn’t move. I would never move again. I was rooted to the floor. I was my own truth. My own tree with all the fruits picked.

He asked me my name. I could only whisper.

And we danced. We danced all around the ballroom. I smiled. He smiled. I was happy. Was he? Did he think that he’d found his wife? His true love? I didn’t know.

But we danced. The musicians played a song. I can still remember those words:

Who can say where the road goes?

Where the day flows?

Only time.

Who can say if your love grows as your heart chose?

Only time.

Who can say where your heart sights as your love flies?

Only time.

Who can say why your heart cries when your love lies?

Only time.

I saw the seasons change before my eyes. Spring to summer to autumn to winter to spring again. I was happy. Yes, I was.

I was overjoyed when he asked me to marry him. I said yes and left my stepfamily. I came to live with him at his estate, just a few days after his father died.

We had four children. Summer, May, and June, three girls and a boy, August.

I was so happy.

Then I woke up. It was winter again.

+++

plagiarism this is not...i made this myself...as i recall, it was a junior year english project from two of my classmates...

[LB]

2005-01-11T22:25:00.000+08:00

limp bizkit...the glory days... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

[..:::_long_method_:::..]

2005-01-11T22:13:00.000+08:00

i miss my old life...i want it back...

the way it was before...where nothing ever surprised me...where everything was planned...where i smiled every single second of every single day...

i want to be a baby again...knowing nothing...feeling everything...making assumptions...making mistakes...sleeping...eating...laughing...crying...

the finer things...the simplest things...the most basic of things...

i miss it so...why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated...why does everything have to be connected to everything...?

+++

i miss lying in bed...not worrying about tomorrow...because i never even knew that tomorrow ever existed...

i miss looking at my mom's face in the morning and screaming at the top of my lungs that i was hungry or i wanted milk or...god forbid, i had wet the bed...

i miss seeing my father leave every morning for work and telling me to be a good boy and all that crap...

i miss seeing my face in the mirror and being amazed...not knowing i was looking at myself...i miss my conversations with myself...the ones where i talk to a person who appears to be saying the exact same thing i was...

i miss drinking milk from a bottle...

i miss not knowing anything...but feeling everything...

+++

why does life have to be so complicated...? why can't we all just simplify it?

why do we have to grow old...why do we have to die...why do we have to go to college and learn things we were never really interested in...why do we have to grow-up and become stubborn versions of our former selves...why do we have to feel pain...

+++

i miss my old life...

+++

i want it back.

3nity

2005-01-11T17:11:00.000+08:00

here's a cool trinity wallpaper...i know its old but she's still cool to watch...just click on it and save it on your hard drive... ;)
copyright krucifixion87

friend

2005-01-11T17:02:00.000+08:00

this shit was written long long long long long long long long ago...so long i can't even remember what i was thinking about when i wrote it...its stupid really...it has about a thousand grammer errors and a central idea that is just so "teenager"..but i have to keep posting shit that i believe has a chance to win the pulitzer...or at least get read by somebody who isn't a close friend or relative...

+++

This is pathetic, really. I’ve never actually written down anything quite as confessing as this. And you’ll probably never believe me. Or absorb anything that I’ll write down. But what the hell…

We’ve been classmates for quite a while now. We’d never been close but we were close enough to know each other well. We weren’t bosom buddies nor were we study buddies. We didn’t have the same interests or shared the same passion for some pathetic boyband. We didn’t like the same food nor ate with the same people at lunch. We weren’t in the same kind of group.

Theoretically, I was a self-confessed loser, didn’t have many friends, always stood at the back of the line, quiet, playing dumb, playing stupid. She, on the other hand, was somewhat popular and “cool”, if you get what I mean. I was always on the bottom of the ladder when it came to gossip and I was always ill equipped to handle elementary life. She, of course, was the exact opposite.

We met at grade school, during the first days of my stay in Grade II. First time I read her name, I didn’t even pronounce it right. It was so embarrassing. But I shook it off and took the whole “sorry, I mispronounced your name” in stride. I handled it quite well, actually.

During the years that followed, all the way up to present day, we had always been classmates. Funny, I didn’t really think about that. It was kind of some corny twist-of-fate that is incorporated in all cheesy soap operas. The kind where everything is so perfect then something rocks the whole story and becomes the plot of one entire TV season.

Anyway: present day. She has a boyfriend. Whoop de doo… Of course, I’m not the slightest bit happy about it. Why? Oh I’m sorry, I forgot to mention I had a crush on her. And once I did this embarrassing thing. It was so low. It was so desperate. And I was only in grade school and not even circumcised. My god…

Well, enough about that. I think I’ve established myself at the lowest point of humiliation.

She has a boyfriend who happens to be my best friend. Now, my friend, he’s really the cream of the crop when it comes to the “x-factor”. The guy is an underrated girl god. It’s true. And guess how they met each other…Or better yet try to imagine this scenario: girl god befriends loser, loser knows this girl god worshipper, loser introduces them to each other, loser gets trashed in some memory bank and girl god and his follower live happily ever after. Get the picture? Perfect isn’t it.

But I will not accept it. Somehow, someway I’m going to steal her away and make her mine. I just will accept the fact that after 6 god damn years of knowing this girl, I never made a significant move to bring her closer to me for the better progression of my love life. I just will not accept it. Six god damn years. 365 times 6. Do the math.

Well, it’s obvious that you don’t have to have a fucking PHD to understand that I’m a fucking dick. And it’s so obvious that I’m just not the kind of guy that a girl wants to go out and have a ball with. I’m just not that guy. But I tried to be.

And that was my downfall. I guess that’s it. I was trying to be something that I was not that’s why she never noticed me all those fucked up years of redundant hi’s and hello’s. It’s pathetic.

But I talked to her last night. We talked about stuff, whatever came out of our minds. And it was good, kind of therapeutic. And it was nice to finally talk to her at a level where I didn’t have to be shy or down or depressed or any of that. We just talked.

She mentioned that we were friends. She expressed how she didn’t want to let go of my best friend because she felt that he was the one. She mentioned a lot of things. Then I felt accomplished. I don’t exactly know what I accomplished or why I felt that way, but I was accomplished. I was fine. I felt that I didn’t need to want her or want to need her anymore…I don’t have the slightest idea why I thought that.

But I didn’t feel like such a loser. Because I felt had a friend. And maybe that’s what I was missing. Maybe I needed a friend or maybe I just wanted a friend and I couldn’t just shout to the whole world that I had no friends. It would be so embarrassing. So pathetic.

But I felt I had a friend now.

The girl who I always liked, who now belonged to my best friend, the girl I kept secret about, the girl who shined in the sun and on my eyes for six years…she was my friend all along…I never realized…I never noticed…

Crap.

+++

now wasn't that crap...

+++

yup, that was crap...

prayer

2005-01-11T16:53:00.000+08:00

Thank for this day, my God.

Forgive me for all the wrongs that I have done to You.

Deliver me to my fate and let me have faith in whatever You have destined for me.

I know You have placed in me the Spirit to help me in all that I do. Let me listen to His Word so that I may accomplish all my tasks with Your grace, Your compassion, and Your guiding hand.

Allow me to become a vehicle for the spread of Your Word and all the good things that spring from It.

You are the Lord God, most high, and I glorify Your name.

+++

the day went out without a hitch...vergil wasn't around to look at our defense and my hands began to hurt from slapping my borrowed bass guitar...didn't think they'd let me borrow it, but i guess the cool cats i jammed with a few days ago trust me with their instrument...

hope i would be able to play well, whenever and wherever the gig arises...

...dry...

2005-01-09T22:26:00.000+08:00

You left without a trace

Broke away from this embrace

Now I have no thought of your face

All of our times, erased.

Now I know what darkness means

With this void you left for me

The isolation stings

So thick it wants to bleed

The echoes in my brain

Of the things you said to me;

You took my everything

And were too blind to see

These places that you flee

With the shadows in your sleep

Are memories of me

Better pray your soul to keep

The truth behind your eyes

You know, that place you’ll never see

Your darkest little lies

Are all the things you’ll never free.

I have this smile to hide me

I have this cross to bear

I have these words to lie to me,

These stupid songs to share.

+++

a little something something i wrote...its not to be taken literally...but it does carry some of my emotion in it...

+++

one thing you learn when everything else crumbles...is that you have to be strong when it counts...you have to stay focused on what you want...and leave behind the baggage you were forced to let go of...

+++

its not nice to linger...moving on hurts but its the only way to carry on...

+++

i am sad...

+++closed...+++

2005-01-09T02:00:00.000+08:00

for years i have argued that my life contained no meaning...that i would be better off dead...that my existence was nothing more than an irritating little spot on God's grand plan...

but i received my moment of clarity...

tonight...and for tonight only...i think...i have found what i was looking for...my moment of clarity came to me...

dosed in alcohol...hearing nothing but the silence of my thoughts...i looked around...and i found purpose...

purpose and meaning...

+++

but i lost it when i went and played a few rounds of 9-ball...

tough luck...

+++

jlyn had a great 18th birthday...it was nice...great food...got to see old friends...from my grade school years...from my high school years...it was nice...

eastwood was a really comfortable place to roam around in...it had this market feel but retained a impeccable sense of class in its shops...

+++

the bar closed at about 10...nobody got anymore drinks after that...i went to starbucks and bought my very first ice mocha...it was nothing special...just nescafe with mocha flavor placed inside a fancy starbucks short order cup...and it cost 85p...the same price of a typical feast at a carinderia...

+++

my head hurts...i think its from my sadness...my infinite madness...and my glorious moment of clarity lost to a few rounds of 9-ball...

a few rounds of 9-ball...

ok...maybe a lot of 9-ball... ;)

+++

water falling...

2005-01-07T23:16:00.000+08:00

this is exactly why i don't go swimming...i have this fear that i would either drown or the sea would hunt me down...++let's pray for the souls of the victims of the tsunami...may those left live better lives and may those who have passed find the eternal bliss of heaven..++.
copyright krucifixion87

Courtship.Noun.Flirtation.Wooing. To court. To flirt. To woo.

2005-01-07T19:04:00.000+08:00

here's something i cracked at when my first semester english teacher gave us an assignment...she gave me a pretty ugly grade for this one...

+++

The courtship system present in my locality is pretty common. Boys get together with girls via mutual acquaintances and start a “barkada”. The next thing you know, two members of the opposite sex have gotten close over time and proceed to exercise the pros and cons of a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship.

This trend is almost uniform to the locality for the past 20 or so years generations though there is strong evidence citing that traditional courting (with the parents involved) was so nonchalant and too proper that it died a horrible death in the 60s. But there are also a few bachelors who still believe in being pedantic with their methods and consider traditional courting a powerful weapon in winning the girl over minus the “parents” part.

There are also ladies, those who thrive in loneliness, who take it to the extremes as they court the gentlemen, though a rough a majority follows the general “barkada” trend.

The next level after the acquaintance and early relationship is either the break-up, wherein the girl or boy cries his or her heart out because their partner either finds someone “better” or has just gotten tired of their petty games, or the entrance of the “true love” equation.

This equation, as I would like to refer to it, completely undermines logic and reason with the feeling of “eternity” rushing through the couples’ bloodstream. It is good feeling but fools fall prey to its disastrous consequences many, many times over.

This equation’s occurrence is considered by many in my locality as a once in a blue moon experience in its modern reality though I believe I can prove that it can happen more often if only the parties involved would listen to their hearts rather than their minds…but I am quickly cut off as I realize Romeo and Juliet were overwhelmed with their hearts and died because of their feeling’s huge effect on their actions.

{How It All Happens…}

It all starts with the most subtle glance. A few “hi”s and “hello”s later, after hanging out night after night, they’re holding hands, maybe even giving out kisses on the cheeks.

Then comes the part when the boy or girl confesses his/her feelings and the courting begins.

After awhile, the prey gives up chase and drops the biggest bomb on the predator’s ears: an uplifting “Yes”…or a resounding “No”.

First, the “No”. More often, it is the girl who shakes her head in disapproval of the upcoming relationship, and more often the guy just shrugs it off and continues with his life. But then there are the rare cases where Cupid just might have a overdone the love potion planted on his arrow and the guy threatens to commit suicide, burn his house, kill the girl, kill his friends, cut his wrist, or go totally insane. In the rare cases where the girl gets the “No”, these ladies just do as the boys do…

Now, the “Yes”. Outstanding. Over the hurdle and prancing on green pastures. The couple relishes the relationship and they either go the marathon mile and head for the church isle or drop it somewhere in the middle and kill their sweetness.

After the break-up, if it does ensue the H.H.W.W.P.S.S.P. (Holding Hands While Walking Pa-sway-sway Pa) times of the relationship, they either become bitter enemies or remain the cuddliest of friends. Most of the time, it is the latter, according to my experience.

That’s basically how its done around where I’m from. And basically, that’s how the world does it, too…what a coincidence.

If you haven’t noticed, since the feverish attempts at globalization, the world has succumbed to the ideas of the superpowers, even in the subject of courtship. Most countries nowadays, especially those countries who look up to nations such as America, France, the UK, etc, have adopted Westernized ways of living, and the system of courtship not being exempted.

It is only fitting that, even in my area, this type of practice is not alienated.

+++

tomorrow i attend a debut...somewhere in libis...god, i still have to find it...oh, and what will i wear?!?!!

+++

on sunday, i'm gonna jam with some friends of my friend...they're looking for a bassist, so i told my friend i'd want to apply since i'm presently out of things to do... ;)

alone...again...

2005-01-04T17:45:00.000+08:00

senti mode...hatori sohma...
copyright krucifixion87

corners of her mynd...

2005-01-03T22:40:00.000+08:00

this was a little piece i did when i was in my junior year of high school...i think its crap, but hey...i got nothing else post...so, please bear with me...

+++

For so long my life’s been sown up tight inside your hold. And it leaves me there without a place to call my own.

I know now what shadows can see; there’s no point in running unless I run from you. Because at the distance, through the open door…before you cut me down.

So again, let me introduce to my end.

I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings; it always leads me back to suffering. And I will soar until the wind sets me down; it leaves me beating down on my own ground again.

So tired now of paying my dues; I start out strong but then I always lose. Because at the distance, before you leave me behind…it’s all such a waste of time.

Because I’m shackled and you won’t believe. All my rapture, has gone down with the “me” you’ve cut down. Now deep inside, you will bleed for me. Bleed…

So here I slave inside of a broken dream, the river holding on, careful not to split the sea.

So take your peace and leave me alone to die, don’t need you to keep my faith and hope alive.

Though, I know now what trouble can be and why it follows me so easily, I still can’t turn away, until you give up and bleed for me…You will bleed. You’ll see.

It’s taken much too long to get it right. Would it be so wrong to maybe find someone? A miracle?

And all I really need is everything I could never be. And so give it all for a miracle.

Is there a trace inside a face of a lonely miracle? And so I wait and lie awake for a lonely miracle.

I’d never really know what it is not until it goes. But if it comes again. It’s a miracle.

Could he bring it all? Is he my miracle?

Because all I wanted was him. All I needed was a miracle. And all I wanted was a life; all I wanted was another night…with you. All I needed was a miracle.

Are you my miracle? Is she my miracle? You, the lady in white? Are you her? My miracle? Please, let it be you…the one I’ve been waiting for so long to bring me to him again…

Now I’m afraid I’m starting to feel. What is there I would not do? But the last time really hurt me…

I’m scared to fall in love. Afraid to love so fast. Because last time I fell in love it ran away so fast. It never did, ever did last.

And my tea’s gone cold and I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all. The stormy rain clouds up my window; can’t see a thing at all. And even if I could let my day be gray, I put your picture on my mind, and that reminds me that it’s not so bad. It can’t be so bad.

Every whisper of every waking hour, I’m losing my conventions.

That’s me in the corner. That’s me under the dark light losing my conventions. Trying to keep up with you, whoever you may be. And I don’t know if I can do it.

I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing.

I think I thought you brought my salvation.

But you did…didn’t you…

Oh no…I see, this spider web is tangled up with me. And I lost my head. And thought of the stupid things I’d said…to me.

Oh no…What’s this? A spider web and I’m caught in the middle, swirling, trying to get free. So I turn to run, even though I can’t break free from this denial. And thought of all the stupid things I’ve done…to me.

The space between the tears I cry is the laughter that keeps me coming back for more. The space between the wicked lies I tell and hope to keep safe from the pain…my reality creeps back in.

We’re strange allies, you and me, Reality. With warring hearts…what an uncontrollable wild-eyed beast you are…

The space between where I’m smiling high is where you’ll find if I get to go. The space between the bullets in our bloody fight is where you’ll be hiding waiting for me.

The rain that falls; splash in my heart ran like sadness down the window into my room.

Don’t take my hand! I don’t walk anymore. I don’t want to get out of here. I don’t need you. I don’t need any of you. Just him.

For love is all I need here.

The space between what’s wrong and right is s where you’ll find me hiding waiting for you.

The space between his heart and mine…is the space you’ll fill with time.

+++

if you'd already noticed...i put up some of my favorite lyrics from songs and compiled and edited them into this hobgosh of thoughts from a "supposed" cinderella figure...hope you liked it...it got me a pretty decent grade from my english teacher in my junior year...

[Bangon] yes i can write in Filipino, too...

2005-01-02T20:51:00.000+08:00

Nakakahiya ang Pilipinas. Tayo’y isang matandang pulubi na nagiisip kung paano yayaman sa tuktok ng isang bundok ng ginto. Sayang na sayang. Perlas ng Silanganan o Hinihingal at Namumulubing Juan dela Cruz? Ano kaya ang mas bagay sa atin ngayon?

Katorse prosyento na ng mga maaaring magtrabaho ang walang trabaho, ayon sa pinakabagong ulat ng NSO. Natatakot na ang mga turista na pumunta dito dahil pinagaakalaan tayo na nagpapatira ng mga terorista. Bumabagsak na ang lokal na ekonomiya dahil sa pagdagsa ng mga iligal na bilihin mula iba’t-ibang parte ng mundo; mas mura na sila, wala pa silang binabayaran na buwis.

Paano na ang mga gustong magtrabaho? Ang ating idustriya ng turismo? Ang lokal na ekonomiya? Pababayaan na lang ba nating lalo pa tayong bumagsak?

Kailangan ng pagkilos. Kailangan na ng aksyon. Panahon na upang labanan ang mga kaaway ng ating pagunlad.

Panahon na ng pagbabago. Panahon na upang bumangon sa maagang libingang ating hinukay para sa ating bayan. Panahon na upang gumising sa realidad ng bumubulusok na ekonomiya ng mundo. Ayon nga kela Roco at Villanuava, “May pag-asa pa ang Pilipinas, kaya’t bangon Pilipinas. Bangon…”

+++

that was a little piece i wrote for myself during my first semester in college...i gave it an ok delivery and everybody was happy...it was only for 2 minutes, but it seemed to last longer...

a big thank you goes to those who actually took my bribe and applauded after my presentation... ;-)

[Rising Beyond Global Challenges Thru Quality Philippine Statistics] a declamation

2005-01-02T20:46:00.000+08:00

Times have changed. The world is being shaken up by terrorism. The country’s economy is falling apart. Filipinos everywhere are losing hope, losing faith in a nation once held by a core of patriots and their values, a nation once an economic tiger prowling Southeast Asia, a nation, now no more than a mouse.

The populace has little faith left. And the little faith they have is losing to doubt because of the corruption, because of the crime, because of the injustices plaguing are land today.

But let us not dwell within the caverns of our lowest points. Let us give each other hope. Let us renew our faith, our faith in a country that was once great and can be great again.

Everyone knows, the way to progress and competitiveness will not be easy and the journey will be perilous, but luckily we have a notion of our destination and a notion of the challenges that stand in our way.

The challenge is globalization. The challenge is terrorism. The challenge is the dwindling economy.

These challenges are present is in our day to day lives.

These are the days that we must rise up and take charge of our situation. These are the obstructions put up by the world to test its inhabitants. We, as a strong and vibrant nation, must take these obstacles head on.

Gone are the days that we may rest on our laurels and await for the fruit to drop from the tree. Gone are the days that we may sit back, relax, and enjoy the beauty of life. The world is slowly passing us by as we remain beggars on our sad little archipelago, sitting on a mountain of gold.

It’s time to take the wheel. It’s time to claim the driver’s seat. It’s time to drive our country to the promised land of milk and honey.

But then again, we still have to go to the gas station and get a full tank.

Our fuel? Simple. Statistics.

Statistics is at the heart of any true progressive result. Governments need it. Politicians need it. And the citizens need it – it holds governments accountable for their actions and their results. Think of it as a barometer of success or failure for campaign promises or a thermometer of our economic situation.

Statistics is the weighing scale of balanced development. Slow growth, low educational achievement, poor health, and civil disturbances are all accounted for when statistics enters the fold.

It helps identify the problem spots so that we may take the action necessary for those warts in our policies or agendas to fade away.

Just like the wart called poverty. How can we defeat this unforgiving adversary? We measure him up first. We take a look at the damage done or the damage that will be done. We assess the situation.

As of now our country has 14.6 percent of its population earning less than a dollar everyday...and this is according to the latest data of the United Nations. Just think, we have the largest chunk of poor in all of Southeast Asia. Still a tiger? The statistic doesn’t think so.

What about the lump of youth unemployment, the thorn in the side of the fresh graduates in the 15-24 age bracket, hopeful of the bright future their country will ideally offer them?

Unfortunately, still more bad news. From 1997 to 2001, from 15.7 percent to 21.2 percent to an improvement of 19 percent, our graduates are not getting the jobs they deserve or better yet they’re not getting any at all. No wonder they seek greener pastures in foreign lands. No wonder they succumb to the green buck rather than listen to beat of their patriotic hearts.

How ironic is this to a country that boasts a 99 percent literacy rate among the population?

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Development is in itself a challenge, though it is also goal. It is the challenge to rise above all our challenges as it is the sweetest prize of crossing the finish line unscathed.

It’s what everyone needs. But it’s not what everyone gets.

We need it. We want it. So, here’s how we get it.

We must organize our data gathering bodies. We must intensify the compilation for nationally and internationally relevant data because as one minister of finance has put it, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.”

Bottom line: we need good quality statistics.

And we must take heed of the warning sirens, going off with the discovery of dreadful figures like the poverty rate or the unemployment rate for looming beyond is the abyss of a national breakdown, a national crisis. If we are not careful we will become the first fourth world country. And that’s not a pretty thought.

But we will prevail. There is always a bright side. There is always that soft but soulful growl of a tiger. There is always some faith left.

There is always that pot of gold at the end of every rainbow. All we have to do is follow it. Follow the hue of numbers and points. Follow accurate sums and differences, products and quotients.

Just follow our statistics. It will pave the way for a better and brighter Philippines.

+++

that was a piece i did for some high school student who just didn't listen to my advice...he dismantled the piece...wrote his own disasterpiece...and went down in flames...

tough luck...

+++

i am sorry...

2005-01-01T20:15:00.000+08:00

life is precious…it’s sad that everybody will eventually die…it’s sad that people close to you will meet their fate at the most unpleasant times…at the most unexpected instances…

+++

a close friend of my family died today…i saw her before Christmas, in good spirits, managing a smile from her face…but today was her day and i guess God wanted her to come up to heaven…

to end her suffering…and to meet her destiny with Him…

i am sorry that i didn’t get to see her when the doctors said her health was improving…i am sorry that i am alive here typing this out while she has been separated from the ones she held dear to her life…

But i am happy because she is with God now…in the eternal bliss of heaven…with all the angels…singing her name…

i will miss her smile…

+++

i am sorry…

its a beautiful sky today...

2005-01-01T03:34:00.000+08:00

its a new year everyone...new stuff to try...new challenges to accept and conquer...its going to be a beautiful sky later...let's all go out and look at it...provided that its not going to rain... ;p
copyright krucifixion87

===+2oo5+===

2004-12-31T19:40:00.000+08:00

I have realized that every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end…

I have realized that I am a schmuck…

I have realized that I do not know everything…

I have realized that with each passing moment, I have a chance to turn everything around and start over with a clean slate…

I have realized that nothing is what it seems…

I have realized that I am not a great musician…

I have realized that God loved me before and loves me still…

I have realized that true love can be found by anyone if they look hard enough…

I have realized that all things come to those who wait…

I have realized that my friends are always concerned for me…

I have realized that nothing I do on this earth will not make a difference…

I have realized that I have to study more and talk less…

I have realized that my soul can never be greatened by my desire…

I have realized that my life is not wasted, it will only account to such if I wish it to…

I have realized that I am so blessed with my family, my friends, and all those who have, I their own small way, touched my life and made my outlook on my existence better…

I have realized that I’ve had the best teachers…

I have realized that though death is imminent, the here and now weighs more in value…

I have realized that I should be happier…

And with these realizations I know one thing…

That by coming clean and admitting my shortcomings, by analyzing what I have and what I want in life, I will able to make my life and maybe even the lives of those around me better…

I thank God for giving me another year to turn everything around…

There will be no promises made…

There will be no resolutions written…

There will only be confessions…realizations…and penance…

+++

welcome the year 2005…

i hope to God that this one, i’ll survive…

about high school...

2004-12-31T01:45:00.000+08:00

Somewhere between the procrastination
And the homeworks
And the incessant forwards
And the friendships
And the nasty cafeteria food
And the calls to each other complaining about crushes
Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends
And the I miss you's
And the I love you's
And the "what are we doing tonight's"
And somewhere between all of the changing & growing..
Somewhere between the classes
And the sleeping between classes
And the studying for tests
And the pretending to study for tests
And the downright not studying for tests...
I forgot.
I forgot what high school is all about.
I forgot what it meant to cry...

I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
And that pretending to be smart doesn't make
you smart.
I forgot that you can't just forget the past
in fear of the future.
I forgot that you can't control falling in
love
And that you can't make yourself fall in
love.
I learned that I can love.
I learned that it's okay to mess up
And it's okay to ask for help..
And it's okay to feel like crap.
I learned its okay to complain and whine to
all your friends for a
whole day.
I learned that sometimes the things you want
most you just can't
have.
I learned that the greatest thing about high
school isnt the parties
or the drinking or the hook-ups...
It's the friendships which means taking
chances.
I learned that sometimes the things we want
to forget are the things which we most need to talk about.
I learned that letters from friends are the
most important thing
And that sending cards to your friends makes
you feel better.
But, basically, I just learned that my
friends.
Both old and new,
Are the most important people to me in the
world
And without them, I wouldn't be who I am
today
So this is a thank you to all of my friends
For always being there and I love you.

+++

someone wrote this...someone sent this to me a long time ago...i just thought it could use a bigger audience because of the beauty of its words and meaning that it holds for each every person who went to high school...

+++

**damn, still awake...can't sleep... :< **

tell me all your thoughts on God

2004-12-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

Must have been mid-afternoon
I could tell by how far the child's shadow is stretched out and
He walks with a purpose
In his sneakers
Down the street he had
Many questions like children often do...
He said

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
And tell me am I very far?"

Must have been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks in the street
And ask many questions like children often do...
We said

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'd really like to meet him
And ask her why we're who we are?
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'm on my way to see him
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now?"

It's getting cold
Picked up the pace
How our shoes make hard noises in this place
Our clothes are stained
We pass many cross-eyed people
And ask many questions like children often do...

"Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'd really like to meet him
And ask her why we're who we are?
Tell me all your thoughts on God?
Cause I'm on my way to see him
So tell me am I very far
Am I very far now, am I very far now, am I very far now?"

Tell me all your thoughts of God...

+++

dishwalla creates such great music...

+++

so...a day before 05...i feel nothing different...still no hope...still no light in the night...still empty just like yesterday...nothing has changed...the suffix has incremented but everything is still the same...

i still can't write...you still can't understand...

+++

happy new year to all... ;-p

the collage (curie-4 batch'04)

2004-12-29T21:22:00.000+08:00

my former classmates in their former glories as children...damned to exist in a world that fails to understand their beauty...that fails to understand their genius...that failed...in creating the "carlo" creature...(sinister snicker)...syempre joke lang...peace tayo carlo! ;-p
copyright krucifixion87

true...so true...about loving someone...

2004-12-29T21:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the

person we love, we fail to recognize and

appreciate the people who love us. We miss out

on so many beautiful things and simply because

we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own

selfish concerns. Go for the woman of deeds and

not for the woman of words for you will find

rewarding happiness not with the woman you love

but the woman loves you more.

The best lovers are who are capable of loving

from a distance, far enough to allow the other

person to grow, but never too far to feel the

love deep within your being. To let go of

someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it

only means that you allow that person to find

his own HAPPINESS without expecting him to come

back. Letting go is not just setting the other

person free, but it is also setting yourself

free from all fears, bitterness, hatred and

anger that you keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare away your

strength and weaken your faith, and never allow

pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow

with wisdom in bearing it. You may have found

peace in just loving someone from a distance not

expecting anything in return. But be careful,

for this can sustain life but can never give

enough room for us to grow. We can all survive

with just beautiful memories of the past but

real peace and happiness come only with open

acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance

upon someone so nice and we just find ourselves

getting so intensely attracted to that person.

This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday

lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and

actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to

realize that this person feels nothing more

for us than just friendship, or the feeling she

might have for us is just too far from how you

love him. We start our desperate attempt to get

noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts

are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry

for ourselves.

You don’t have to be bitter on love. What you

need to learn is how to accept the verdict or

reality without being bitter or sorry for

yourself. Believe me, you would be better off

 giving that dedication and love to someone more

deserving. Don’t let your heart run your life,

be sensible and let your mind speak for itself.

Listen not only to your feelings but to reason

as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today,

it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.

If you lose love that doesn’t mean that you

failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make it

sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the

bitterness that the past has left with you. Let

go of yesterday and love will find its way back

to you. And when it does, pray that it may be

the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

“When you lose someone… and you think you were

the one who loved most, between the two of you…

she lost more. For someday you can love someone

the way that you loved her… But she will never be

loved again the way that you did.”

+++

this one's a tearjerker...words cannot express how i felt when i read it...it made me realize a couple of things...things i'd rather not discuss with anyone but myself...i thank God for my ability to feel...to be hurt...to be loved...

...to love...

+++

who me?

2004-12-29T18:06:00.000+08:00

the weirdness...
copyright krucifixion87

the new year...

2004-12-29T17:43:00.000+08:00

come forth and bring the joy and happiness of 2005...

+++

but is there any reason to be happy? is there any reason to be joyful?

thousands of people lost their lives to a tidal wave caused by 9.0 earthquake...

is there any reason to be happy?

+++

define happiness...its a word...root word: happy...

define joy...another word...dishwashing paste...tissue paper...

+++

we'd be lucky if the whole didn't blow up by next year...everything is coming into play now...pollution...global warming...feuding politicians...corrupt officials...surefire hoaxes about the end of the world...lovers quarrels...breakups...deaths...adoptions...divorce...marriage...child birth...overpopulation...stupidity...uneducated youth...uneducated masses...bandwagon appeal...

everything will come to a crashing end...eventually...

but hopefully next year would be better...

i, for one, am optimistic...let's just see what happens...

+++

happy new year to all and may God grant you the peace and ignorant bliss of being alive...pray for the souls who have departed these foreign shores...and pray for your own, which still battles, every single day...pray that it survive the tests of time and that it cross over into the new world with grace, dignity, and peace...

+++

memphis stands at 13-17...not bad for a team who just got a new coach...as always, Pau Gasol rocks... ;-)

tohru and cat kyo hugging

2004-12-27T23:31:00.000+08:00

the sweet finale...the sohma curse isn't broken but that is one sweet picture... ;-)
copyright krucifixion87

momiji...

2004-12-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

the year of the rabbit...momiji sohma...if i was drunk, i'd probably think he was a girl...
copyright krucifixion87

the science of crucifixion (reposted)

2004-12-27T21:22:00.000+08:00

**Each year, Cahlen Shrier, Ph.D., associate professor in the Department of Biology and Chemistry, presents a special lecture on the science of Christ's crucifixion. She details physiological processes a typical crucified victim underwent and teacher her students to see Christ's death on the cross with new understanding. The exact events in this scenario may not have happened in Jesus' specific case, but the account is based on historical documentation of crucifixion procedures used during that time period. Please be aware that the following is of a realistic and graphic nature.

It is important to understand from the beginning that Jesus would have been in excellent physical condition. As a carpenter by trade, He participated in physical labor. In addition, He spent much of His ministry traveling on foot across the countryside. His stamina and strength were, most likely, very well developed. With that in mind, it is clear just how much He suffered: If this torture could break a man in such good shape, it must have been a horrific experience.

After the Passover celebration, Jesus takes His disciples to Gethsemene to pray. During His anxious prayer about the events to come, Jesus sweats drops of blood. There is a rare medical condition called hemohedrosis, during which the capillary blood vessels that feed the sweat glands break down. Blood released from the vessels mixes with the sweat; therefore, the body sweats drops of blood. This condition results from mental anguish or high anxiety, a state Jesus expresses by praying "my soul is deeply grieved to the point of death" (Matthew 26:38). Hemohedrosis makes the skin tender, so Jesus' physical condition worsens slightly.

Traveling from Pilate to Herod and back again, Jesus walks approximately two and a half miles. He has not slept, and He has been mocked and beaten (Luke 22:63-65). In addition, His skin remains tender from the hemohedrosis. His physical condition worsens.

Pilate orders Jesus to be flogged as required by Roman law before crucifixion Traditionally, the accused stood naked, and the flogging covered the area from the shoulders down to the upper legs. The whip consisted of several strips of leather. In the middle of the strips were metal balls that hit the skin, causing deep bruising. In addition, sheep bone was attached to the tips of each strip. When the bone makes contact with Jesus' skin, it digs into His muscles, tearing out chunks of flesh and exposing the bone beneath. The flogging leaves the skin on Jesus' back in long ribbons. By this point, He has lost a great volume of blood which causes His blood pressure to fall and puts Him into
shock. The human body attempts to remedy imbalances such as decreased blood volume, so Jesus' thirst is His body's natural response to His suffering (John 19:28). If He would have drank water, His blood volume would have increased.

Roman soldiers place a crown of thorns on Jesus' head and a robe on His back (Matthew 27:28-29). The robe helps the blood clot (similar to putting a piece of tissue on a cut from shaving) to prevent Jesus from sustaining more blood loss. As they hit Jesus in the head (Matthew 27:30), the thorns from the crown push into the skin and He begins bleeding profusely. The thorns also cause damage to the nerve that supplies the face, causing intense pain down His face and neck. As they mock Him, the soldiers also belittle Jesus by spitting on Him (Matthew 27:30). They rip the robe off Jesus' back and the bleeding starts afresh.

Jesus' physical condition becomes critical. Due to severe blood loss without replacement, Jesus is undoubtedly in shock. As such, He is unable to carry the cross and Simon of Cyrene executes this task (Matthew 27:32).

Crucifixion was invented by the Persians between 300-400 B.C. It is quite possibly the most painful death ever invented by humankind. The English language derives the word "excruciating" from crucifixion, acknowledging it as a form of slow, painful suffering.
1 Its punishment was reserved for slaves, foreigners, revolutionaries, and the vilest of criminals. Victims were nailed to a cross; however, Jesus' cross was probably not the Latin cross (?), but rather a Tau cross (T). The vertical piece (the stipes) remains in the ground permanently. The accused carries only the horizontal piece (the patibulum) up the hill. Atop the patibulum lies a sign (the titulus), indicating that a formal trial occurred for a violation of the law. In Jesus' case, this reads "This is the King of the Jews" (Luke 23:38).

The accused needed to be nailed to the patibulum while lying down, so Jesus is thrown to the ground, reopening His wounds, grinding in dirt, and causing bleeding. They nail His "hands" to the patibulum. The Greek meaning of "hands" includes the wrist. It is more likely that the nails went through Jesus' wrists. If the nails were driven into the hand, the weight of the arms would cause the nail to rip through the soft flesh.

Therefore, the upper body would not be held to the cross. If placed in the wrist, the bones in the lower portion of the hand support the weight of the arms and the body remains nailed to the cross. The huge nail (seven to nine inches long) 2 damages or severs the major nerve to the hand (the median nerve) upon impact. This causes continuous agonizing pain up both of Jesus' arms.

Once the victim is secured, the guards lift the patibulum and place it on the stipes already in the ground. As it is lifted, Jesus' full weight pulls down on His nailed wrists and His shoulders and elbows dislocate (Psalm 22:14).3 In this position, Jesus' arms stretch to a minimum of six inches longer than their original length.

It is highly likely that Jesus' feet were nailed through the tops as often pictured. In this position (with the knees flexed at approximately 90 degrees),4 the weight of the body pushes down on the nails and the ankles support the weight. The nails would not rip through the soft tissue as would have occurred with the hands. Again, the nail would cause severe nerve damage (it severs the dorsal pedal artery of the foot) and acute pain.

Normally, to breathe in, the diaphragm (the large muscle that separates the chest cavity from the abdominal cavity) must move down. This enlarges the chest cavity and air automatically moves into the lungs (inhalation). To exhale, the diaphragm rises up, which compresses the air in the lungs and forces the air out (exhalation). As Jesus hangs on the cross, the weight of His body pulls down on the diaphragm and the air moves into His lungs and remains there. Jesus must push up on His nailed feet (causing more pain) to exhale. In order to speak, air must pass over the vocal cords during exhalation. The Gospels note that Jesus spoke seven times from the cross. It is amazing that despite His pain, He pushes up to say "Forgive them" (Luke 23:34).

The difficulty surrounding exhalation leads to a slow form of suffocation. Carbon dioxide builds up in the blood, resulting in a high level of carbonic acid in the blood. The body responds instinctively, triggering the desire to breathe. At the same time, the heart beats faster to circulate available oxygen. The decreased oxygen (due to the difficulty in exhaling) causes damage to the tissues and the capillaries begin leaking watery fluid from the blood into the tissues. This results in a build-up of fluid around the heart (pericardial effusion) and lungs (pleural effusion). The collapsing lungs, failing heart, dehydration, and the inability to get sufficient oxygen to the tissues essentially suffocate the victim.5 The decreased oxygen also damages the heart itself (myocardial infarction) which leads to cardiac arrest. In severe cases of cardiac stress, the heart can even burst, a process known as cardiac rupture.6 Jesus most likely died of a heart attack.

After Jesus' death, the soldiers break the legs of the two criminals crucified alongside Him (John 19:32), causing suffocation. Death would then occur quicker. When they came to Jesus, He was already dead so they did not break His legs (John 19:33). Instead, the soldiers pierced His side (John 19:34) to assure that He was dead. In doing this, it is reported that "blood and water came out" (John 19:34), referring to the watery fluid surrounding the heart and lungs.

While these unpleasant facts depict a brutal murder, the depth of Christ's pain emphasizes the true extent of God's love for His creation. Teaching the physiology of Christ's crucifixion is a
constant reminder of the magnificent demonstration of God's love for humanity that was expressed that day in Calvary. This lesson enables me to participate in communion, the remembrance of His sacrifice, with a grateful heart. I am struck every time with the stunning realization that as a flesh and blood human, Jesus felt every ounce of this execution. What greater love than this can a man have for his friends?

+++

weirdoo...

2004-12-26T21:31:00.000+08:00

yeah, i know...i've been acting weird lately...but who cares, right? who the fuck cares?

you don't give a shit about me or what i feel, so why the fuck comment on my weird behavior?

+++

there's a small lump on my back and i can't get it off...i can't seem to pin point what's causing it and i think i'm going to die with it still on...it doesn't matter anyway...i will die...with or without the lump....but then again, it would be nicer to have it off...i mean, i wouldn't want my face stuck on the mirror of my casket because of some stupid lump that can be surgically removed, right? ...

+++

ring the bell, quasimodo! ring it, so everyone may hear! the freak!!!!!!!

+++

i'm in no mood to right, really...its as if i'm forcing myself to regularly update my blog...but i've been in a horrible mood lately...things that happened that shouldn't have happened are clouding my life...

+++

shit...

+++

2004-12-26T15:26:00.000+08:00

kitchie...
copyright krucifixion87

xmas...

2004-12-25T19:23:00.000+08:00

xmas...xmas...what the fuck is xmas? x is nothing! what is x!?!?!?

+++

it's christmas time...merry christmas to all...

+++

may christ shower you with infinite blessings from the heavens as you enjoy your holidays...

+++

-=click=-

2004-12-22T18:49:00.000+08:00

http://www.blogthings.com/kindsoulquiz.html

+++

go, ahead...copy and paste...see what happens...

+++

-=x=-

2004-12-22T14:41:00.000+08:00

release...

+++

you think its nice to smile...you think something's funny?

why?

'coz you've got everything you've ever wanted? 'coz you're happy with your life right now? because you've loved and have been loved in return?

bullshit...

you're not smiling because of that...you're smiling inspite of that....you're hiding something deep inside that you don't want other people to know...your weakness, i can see it...

no?

really? you have no weakness?

who are you superman? batman? robin? the green fucking hornet? you're no superhero...you're just like me...fragile...alone...cold...wanting someone to hug you at night, wanting someone to smile for you and at you...wanting the ultimate happiness in the world...

you're no different than me...you just smile better and let other people see your pearly whites...i just choose not to..because in reality, there is nothing so smile about...there is nothing funny about anything anymore...

in reality, life sucks...and you have to deal with it...because you've got one shot...one opportunity...to get it right...or you'lll probably spent eternity regretting ever second of it...your life...

bullshit...you are smiling...

bullshit...you think its funny...

bullshit...you think i'm full of it...

crap...you don't believe me, do you?

+++

reminder...

2004-12-22T01:46:00.000+08:00

www.deadname.com

+++

this serves as a reminder for the blogger and not the reader...if you want to visit the link above, why not...

+++

i'm am so depressed...

of god, barbers, and drunkeness

2004-12-21T11:30:00.000+08:00

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they
eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe
that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God
doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be
neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all
of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he
didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just
after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long,
stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he
said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and
I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they
did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards,
like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What happens, is,
people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for
Him.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

+++

so, really, who gives a shit about this kind of stuff...i just posted it because i thought some people might need to read this kind of thing during the holidays when everything else seems grim...but don't get me wrong, i didn't write it...some idiot forwarded it to his entire address book ...i just happened to read on such a fine day after a grand hangover...

+++

i lost my tongue last night...oops, it went...

+++

the cast from fruits basket

2004-12-19T21:57:00.000+08:00

just finished fruits basket...it was a wonderful viewing experience...everybody should go and watch it...as sissy as this may sound, i actually cried during the last episode...***yes, i am a sissy, i admit it...***
copyright krucifixion87

1942

2004-12-18T22:52:00.000+08:00

there is no feeling...

+++

my eyes are pushed back...my face is emptied out from all the emotion...i feel nothing...i see nothing...i hear everything...

nothing is what it seems...seemingly everything is nothing...

+++

its 11...i am cold...i am exhausted...i am full of it...i am what i am because i choose to be..
+++

choice has eveything to do with me...though i am an accident...i am a choice...

+++

there is no feeling...

+++

where are you now?
sweet sorrow
barely even touching
are the rays of tomorrow

see what has happened
alone i sit awhile
as the world turns to dust
i know i'll still be alive

seeing the death
feeling the destruction
everything must come to an end
everything will experience suffocation

born with nothing
die with everything
i feel the burn
now see this...

+++

feel...

+++

try...

+++

die...

+++

accomplish...

+++

the year is 1942...i am alive for now...and so are

you...

the guys from alter bridge

2004-12-18T13:24:00.000+08:00

if i were half as talented as these guys from alter bridge, i'd be happier...but then again i still need a ton of practice before i can reach a fourth of their level...as they say, practice makes perfect...but nobody's perfect, so why the hell practice...?
copyright krucifixion87

don't be a pirate...cause piracy is bad...so don't be bad... sure..

2004-12-18T01:18:00.000+08:00

remember boys and girls...piracy is bad...it kills the very industry that entertains us...it will destroy media profit...**yeah, sure...like you don't have a stack of bootleg cds, you ass..**
copyright krucifixion87

awww...cute...

2004-12-18T01:11:00.000+08:00

tohru honda along with kyo (cat), yuki (the small rat), and shigure (the pervert dog) from fruits basket....**a great story underneath generic anime antics**
copyright krucifixion87

four score...

2004-12-17T23:44:00.000+08:00

life begins at 40...or so i've heard...

+++

i wonder what i'll be...dead? alive? singing in front of millions? or trying to keep myself from screaming in front of a mirror? gasping for breathe? looking to the sky for answers? asking myself, "why?why?why?"? what'll i do? what would i have become by then?

a loser...a writer...a singer...a guitar player...a couch potato...a game tester...a software developer...a computer tycoon...a millionaire...a billionaire...a trillionaire...broke...dead...running for my life...trying to get some sleep...making the same mistakes...over and over and over and over...

by 40, my life would begin...or so it would seem...

i'd get a car...have a wife...a few kids...one'll be in college...the other in elementary...i'll my own house...a stable job...monthly visits to the doctor...yearly visits to relatives, dead or alive...my father would be dead...my mother won't...my guitar skills would decline...i'd have my own drum set...i'd have my 3rd dog...still named doglas or lassie...i'd be happy...

+++

but then again, four score is not 40 years...its 80...

a long time to have lived, no?...too long?

god, i hope not...

2004-12-17T23:40:00.000+08:00

this is how everyone will look like in the future if we keep on listening to heavy stuff that makes the brain go boom...but then again, that's not a bad idea...
copyright krucifixion87

would you believe...?

2004-12-17T17:41:00.000+08:00

anime has never had a soft part in my heart...

i've always disliked the worship of moving drawings...

but then an angel smiled upon me...and everything changed...

+++

i used to watch samurai x and dragonball and yuyu hakusho but they were all generic...it's like you were forced to watch them, because everybody else was...but as the anime craze grew...and the dozens upon dozens of animation stints went up and down, i was lost in the process...and i eventually put out my tongue in disgust at the worship of these moving drawings...

i mean, how can a guy look handsome if he has the same nose, eyes, ears, and God-forbid hairstyle as the next guy but get different reactions from different viewers...

they're animated telenovelas...the worst entertainment i could fathom...

+++

then i watched this "moving" anime...fruits basket...

i just changed my opinion, just like that...

+++

don't get me wrong, i do not worship these gods from the ink of artists...i just like the story, the concept...and ultimately and light feeling i get after watching an episode...

+++

call me stupid...but like it...

kyo versus yuki mind games

2004-12-17T16:47:00.000+08:00

cat versus rat...
copyright krucifixion87

f*** u?

2004-12-17T11:52:00.000+08:00

expression...1..0...
copyright krucifixion87

they call him mr. tremonti creed god

2004-12-17T11:37:00.000+08:00

guitar god..tremonti...
copyright krucifixion87

from timothy...

2004-12-17T11:31:00.000+08:00

chester in the dark...
copyright krucifixion87

shoes...

2004-12-17T10:50:00.000+08:00

yesterday, my left shoe gave up...i used the pair since last june...they were pretty alright...funny though, my left shoe had a smile written on its face when we went home...oh joy...

you can almost imagine me dragging feet...

+++

there's this guy on the corner of Maceda and Espaýa...i see him everyday...and everyday he does not disappoint...you can laugh...feel pity...and feel contempt for the world...all at the same time...just by looking at the guy...

he wears a half sown t-shirt...and smudges of dirt all over...he's got long shorts that find their base above his knees...his butt cleavage shows everytime...

robert smith of the cure does this guy's hair...and the people in survivor have definitely put on his facials...

he's a nomad...a wanderer content with living at the corner of one of the most traffic congested parts of Metro Manila...

he's crazy...he knocks on people's car windows and asks for money...he shifts himself at the entrance of a jeepney and tries to look his best...

he smiles now and then...at something funny only to himself...he stares at the sky and laughs...crazy...

and i see this all, everyday...as the traffic light reads red...everyday...every morning...just before we hit the university...just before my reality kicks in...

this man, this poor, poor man...i see...

i feel pity...i laugh at him...i laugh with him...

+++

the world is such a terrible thing to waste...so is the mind...so is your humanity...so is your sanity...

...so is your soul...

+++

i was born yesterday...

2004-12-17T10:49:00.000+08:00

gimme a break...

+++

i have let out all i have inside...no longer am i couped up like i used to be...i am reborn...i am new...i am something you are not...i am a man within a child...a master within an apprentice...i was born yesterday...and i will die today...

+++

these are the words of a broken man...without a past...without a present...without a future...born yesterday...buried tomorrow...there is no fun here...there is no life here...

..this is an exaggeration...

+++

double g, double p, double u, double me...

+++

trouble trouble, who's burst my bubble...was it the mad hatter from dear alice's land...or the crazy imp, who fell from heaven into hell...?

+++

#include
main()
{
float sum, num1, num2;
clrscr();
printf("Enter a number:");
scanf("%f", &num1);
printf("Enter another number:");
scanf("%f", &num1);
sum=num1+num2;
printf("The sum of %f and %f is %f", num1,num2,sum);
getch();
}

+++

i learned what i have learned because i have allowed myself to see past my own insecurities and see my potential...to see my true abilities...to rise above any obstacle...and succeed with the ferocious appetite for success...and to fail with the utmsot grace and dignity, head held high...smirking like an idiot...

+++

this is my life...i was born yesterday...i will tomorrow...but i breathe now and until the illusion ceases, i will breathe forever...

+++

12/12/04 01:18 pm - maker...

2004-12-17T10:47:00.000+08:00

i try not to think about how the world made me what i am now...i try to concentrate on the fact that the environment that i reside in, that the environment that molds my humanity is nothing but an accident...

a very unfortunate accident, at that...

+++

there is no spoon...do you see a spoon?

no...there is no spoon...

so go on and bend it you f*cking moron...

+++

here's one i wish i thought of:

If ever you wondered if you touched my soul,yes you do
Since I met you I'm not the same
You bring life to everything I do
Just the way you say hello
With one touch I can't let go
Never thought I'd fall in love with you...

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you
You captured something inside of me
You make all of my dreams come true
It's not enough that you love me for me
You reached inside and touched me eternally
I love you best explains how I feel for you...

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

The magic in your eyes
True love I can't deny
When you hold me I just lose control
I want you to know that I'm never letting go
You mean so much to me I want the world to see,
It's because of you

Because of you, my life has changed,
thank you for the love and the joy you bring
Because of you, I feel no shame,
I'll tell the world it's because of you

by Keith Martin

+++

i long for the moment when i will fear nothing and believe in the salvation that lies ahead of me...if there is such a salvation...if there is such a feeling...

+++

there are times when i feel alone...cold...lonely...

but i don't think about those times...those times sucked...so why dwell on them? ...that would just aim to grab sympathy...and i don't like sympathy...its weak....its that little pat on the back saying better luck next time...or i'm sorry it had to happen to you...

sympathy is weak...its back door...its an easing of the pain...

+++

my guitar is alive...it talked to me a while back...it said...D-A-Bm-G...then screamed a rock solo accompanying a cheesy boy band song...then it wept...

+++

12/12/04 01:17 pm - the roof...the roof...the roof is on fire...

2004-12-17T10:46:00.000+08:00

burn m*therf**cker...burn...

+++

the life and love of humanity...chapter 1....verse 3:16...

in the beginning there was darkness...and in the darkness there was an empty void filled with nothingness...then somebody said, "Let there be more darkness..."

and darkness spread...all over the previous darkness...it eventually evolved into light...it cancelled each other so much...that the smallest molecule of light was born...

then God appeared...out of nowhere, this powerful being suddenly appeared and breathed life into the meaningless light...he set forth a meaningful darkness he called night...and made the meaningful light, day...

then he got an idea...what if somebody lived in the day and night, besides him...so he created bacteria...amoebas...little single celled organism...he breathed unto them life and the power to evolve...

then he left...for a couple of thousand millenia...then returned to find a naked prehistoric man....scratching his ass and eating apples...he made a woman out of the man...and the man, looked up at him and was grateful...

then a serpent appeared...the first of its kind...yup, a talking serpent... (sure...)

this serpent was once an ally of god who was cast down upon an infinite darkness that was called hell...the serpent tricked man into believing that he could be greater than this god...

he was wrong in trusting the serpent...and so began, the tradition of picking apples from the tree and talking to animals who can utter words and exchange ideas...

+++

sage pt.1

if war is hell
and hell's on earth
what could heaven be
that we desire its birth
if this life be damned
and if God is true
then hell wouldn't so bad
if heaven, we have to look forward to

+++

take computer science in college...trust me...you'll love it...

"yeah...sure...we believe you"

12/12/04 01:16 pm - famous last words...

2004-12-17T10:40:00.000+08:00

i don't have any...famous last words...

+++

i don't even have famous first words...all i have are these words...written...thought of...on paper...digitally...concocted theories of this imagination...words that mean nothing...words that contain no essence...no anguish...no despair...no love...no joy...no hate...no sadness...nothing...empty...{}...zero...

+++

Misc. Overture
by Me...

i am born only to die...what is life for?
i become rich only to burn...can i have more?
will i take and run away...or will i make the same mistake...?
will i turn only to be burned...will i drive away this fate...?

how can i become what i want?
when what i want will never be what i'll become?
how can one live without expression?
how can one feel without impressions?

dare i say,
i die tonight...
wither into nothingness,
i take this last flight...
born only to die,
in birth i am one...
born only to ruled,
in fearing i become...

nothing...

+++

12/12/04 01:11 pm - wash...

2004-12-17T10:37:00.000+08:00

this is an exaggeration...

+++

there are no tears...there are no fears...there is nothing left to ponder about anything...there is only the me....and the you...two insignificant beings wandering aimlessly into the void that is life...two unsuspecting creatures of faith, bound by nothing, bound by no reason or thought...just being...alive...well...happy...

there is no yesterday...it is an finite illusion of an infinite possibility...it does not exist...it is a fraud...there is no time past...just as there is no time present or future...it is relative...

everything is relative...no tears and no yesterday for me...just the now...just the today...that is an infinite....that is non-illusion...

that is now...

+++

born today...gone tomorrow...feeding on the rotten carcass of life itself...trying to survive in a world where dog eats dog and cat takes a huge bite of rat...survival of the fittest...the weaker shall not reign...rather the weaker's blood shall spill into the unending abyss of forever...

+++

end of exaggeration...

i push my fingers into my eyes...

long time part 2...

internet cafe...

waiting...[again]

long time...

:::entry N:::

:::there is a dim reality facing me today:::

:::bing:::ding:::kring kring::::

::bored and fluffy::

...::day n to the x::...

::the storm story:::

::::thank you 4 the venom:::

[july 12]

:::living in your letters:::

chapter1.0

unknown...

for all i got...is all i have...

quote of the day when the world ended but didn't really anyway so it just goes to show you how much bullshit we allow ourselves to get sucked into...

::limping::

iCs logo

of time and love...

:::::good evening to the sun:::

boredom

pissed off again...

~ooooohhhhh.....~

:::i'm comin' out of my cage:::

meaningful readings

something someone wrote sometime ago...

:::burn it down:::

an unfortunate event

{::my immortal::}

a picture of a dog

....:leaving::...

...::delightful::...

indios bravos...

yezzz...

..::damn sure, i'm still not up to my potential::..

!kjwan..::time to surface::..kjwan!

..::a perfect circle::..

blown away...

boredom

open your eyes...

(listen for love)

closure...

[[[... i will survive ...]]]

..::ed::..

definition...

winter again...

[LB]

[..:::_long_method_:::..]

3nity

friend

prayer

...dry...

+++closed...+++

water falling...

Courtship.Noun.Flirtation.Wooing. To court. To flirt. To woo.

alone...again...

corners of her mynd...

[Bangon] yes i can write in Filipino, too...

[Rising Beyond Global Challenges Thru Quality Philippine Statistics] a declamation

i am sorry...

its a beautiful sky today...

===+2oo5+===

about high school...

tell me all your thoughts on God

the collage (curie-4 batch'04)

true...so true...about loving someone...

who me?

the new year...

tohru and cat kyo *hugging*

momiji...

the science of crucifixion (reposted)

weirdoo...

xmas...

-=click=-

-=x=-

reminder...

of god, barbers, and drunkeness

the cast *from fruits basket*

tohru and cat kyo hugging

the cast from fruits basket

don't be a pirate...cause piracy is bad...so don't be bad... sure..

kyo versus yuki mind games

they call him mr. tremonti creed god